Good morning and Happy Monday to you all! Now, for the jokes:
Violence continued in Egypt all weekend as protesters demanded the removal of President Hosni Mubarak from power. In the midst of this chaos, which threatens to topple the government, President Mubarak appointed Omar Suleiman as his Vice President. Good luck to VP Suleiman in this new and exciting phase of his career!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday's with Spencer - Now Heated with Your Loved Ones!
The U.S. Postal Service wants to close as many as 2,000 post offices beginning in March, amid increased competion from Web bill paying, email and text messages, The Wall Street Journal reports. It was attacked by Sen. John McCain as a "model of inefficiency". McCain added, "I know all about inefficiency, look at my arm."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 27, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In Texas, Representative Gabrielle Giffords recovered enough strength recently to watch an hour of television. The wounded congresswoman reportedly watched CNN for the entire hour, proving once again just how tough she really is.
In Texas, Representative Gabrielle Giffords recovered enough strength recently to watch an hour of television. The wounded congresswoman reportedly watched CNN for the entire hour, proving once again just how tough she really is.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 25, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
After China announced it's own stealth fighter last week, some in the defense community speculated that the aircraft may be made with stolen American technology, which would make it the first Chinese product made with American electronics. When news of the possible theft reached the White House, President Obama hailed this as a great first step toward closing the US/China trade deficit.
After China announced it's own stealth fighter last week, some in the defense community speculated that the aircraft may be made with stolen American technology, which would make it the first Chinese product made with American electronics. When news of the possible theft reached the White House, President Obama hailed this as a great first step toward closing the US/China trade deficit.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.
In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friday's with Spencer: Now with less calories!
Starbucks is introducing a new 31-ounce coffee cup size in May to compete with McDonald's cheaper and bigger coffee menu. In a related story, Starbucks is also starting a dating service for people who love J. Crew and iPhones. Your move McDonald's.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 20, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 19, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In the UK, a man was convicted this week of illegally riding a Segway personal scooter on a paved walkway. The driver of the Segway, classified as a motor vehicle under British law, said "I had no idea that we were so lame as a people that we are afraid of Segway scooters on our sidewalks. Seriously, someone needs to give our entire nation an atomic wedgie, because we have become the planet's new nerds."
In the UK, a man was convicted this week of illegally riding a Segway personal scooter on a paved walkway. The driver of the Segway, classified as a motor vehicle under British law, said "I had no idea that we were so lame as a people that we are afraid of Segway scooters on our sidewalks. Seriously, someone needs to give our entire nation an atomic wedgie, because we have become the planet's new nerds."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
The Indian government is razing a block of apartments in Mumbai that has been at the center of a corruption scandal. In a similar move, plans are underway to burn down several hospitals that are widely known centers of illness and disease.
The Indian government is razing a block of apartments in Mumbai that has been at the center of a corruption scandal. In a similar move, plans are underway to burn down several hospitals that are widely known centers of illness and disease.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Friday's with Spencer
Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark recently topped the play Wicked in ticket sales, despite only having preview showings. Turn Off the Dark will continue to do well until the entire cast is decapitated.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 13, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In an interview this week, the Jersey Shore "star" known as "Snooki" said she is tired of her nickname. In a related story, America is tired of her. Oh, and she wrote a novel. So, expect to see thousands of unread copies of the book littering east coast beaches this summer.
In an interview this week, the Jersey Shore "star" known as "Snooki" said she is tired of her nickname. In a related story, America is tired of her. Oh, and she wrote a novel. So, expect to see thousands of unread copies of the book littering east coast beaches this summer.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Myspace announced today that they will be letting go half of their workforce. The announcement initially went out as a Myspace message, but no one read it, as they assumed it was just another invitation to see a concert from a band they used to like five years ago. It did, however, eventually turn up in Rupert Murdoch's Twitter feed.
Myspace announced today that they will be letting go half of their workforce. The announcement initially went out as a Myspace message, but no one read it, as they assumed it was just another invitation to see a concert from a band they used to like five years ago. It did, however, eventually turn up in Rupert Murdoch's Twitter feed.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.
Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 10, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Researchers at Ohio State University found that students say they prefer receiving praise to drinking, having sex or earning money. The study also revealed that students really enjoy lying to researchers.
Researchers at Ohio State University found that students say they prefer receiving praise to drinking, having sex or earning money. The study also revealed that students really enjoy lying to researchers.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Fridays with Spencer
Former vice president Dick Cheney recently received a new heart pump. His doctors say the new heart pump is just the first step in replacing his old heart, which was clogged with compassion and empathy.
She may be 90 years old, but Helen Thomas, the former United Press International reporter who resigned last year after saying Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine," has a new job. Thomas will be writing a weekly column for the News-Press of Falls Church, Virginia, where she will undoubtedly tell children to get off her lawn and Jews to get out of Palestine.
She may be 90 years old, but Helen Thomas, the former United Press International reporter who resigned last year after saying Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine," has a new job. Thomas will be writing a weekly column for the News-Press of Falls Church, Virginia, where she will undoubtedly tell children to get off her lawn and Jews to get out of Palestine.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 6, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.
The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
A book publisher plans to remove racist language from the classic novels Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer to make the books more acceptable, leading to thousands of angry letters from fans of Mark Twain. A similar plan to remove racist language from Don Imus has met with zero opposition.
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Kim Kardashian performed her new single at a New Years Eve party, ensuring that whatever else happens in music throughout the course of the year, it will be an improvement.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Gwenyth Paltrow recently credited her costar Robert Downey, Jr. for teaching her how to convincingly play a drug addict. In response, Downey said "I do not remember that at all."
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