Alright, let's get to it.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
Speaking of banks, online marketing firms are exploring the possibility of adding targeted advertising to checking accounts. When asked for comment, a representative explained, "I don't know, I just thought about how cool leaches are, and how cool it would be if our advertisements could be more like leaches. You know, get right in there where all the blood is!"
In environmental news, a conservation group is suing the federal government to stop construction of a solar energy plant in California, claiming that environmental impact studies were rushed through the approval process too quickly. In a related story, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) just got a boner and has no idea why.
In turtle news, a sea turtle recently carried a lost video camera from Aruba to Florida. The camera, recovered by the US Coast Guard, included, among other things, five minutes of video showing the turtle in the open sea. What's really remarkable, however, is that the footage didn't include a turtle sextape.
In sports news, Brett Favre has once again filed for retirement with the NFL. What's different about this year? His retirement paperwork included several pictures of his penis.
CBS this month voiced its continued support for embattled douche-star Charlie Sheen after reports of his out of control partying and spousal abuse. A spokesperson for the network said, "hey, it's not like he's killed anyone, yet. He's not OJ. I think the point we're all missing is that 'Two And A Half Men' makes a lot of money for us, and provides easily accessible entertainment to millions of Americans. If, at the same time, the success of the show provides the money and fame required for one of its stars to spiral into alcohol and drug abuse that will ultimately claim his life, and possibly the life of one or more hookers, then so be it. And remember, new episodes every Monday at 9! Check your local listings!"
Recent reports revealed that mineral deposits in Afghanistan may top $1trillion. An Afghani farmer responded to the news by saying, "oh, thank goodness! These wonderful minerals, can they be used to bring people back from the dead after they've been blown apart by landmines, rockets, grenades and high-velocity small arms fire? No, they can't? Oh, then who gives a damn. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go dig shrapnel out of my face."
Lastly, former Senator and current a-hole John Edwards is under grand jury investigation to determine how much he knew about illegal payments made by his campaign to keep his extra-marital affair and love child secret. He has already been offered a cabinet-level position in Silvio Berlusconi's administration.
That's it. See you tomorrow.
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