Alright, let's get to it.
Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting a fourth child this year. Betting houses in the UK are taking wagers on the sex of the new child and have set the odds to favor another girl, although a hermaphrodite will still cover the spread.
In a bit of good news for the motion picture industry, the People's Republic of China spent over $1.5billion last year on movies, which is up 64% from 2009. Industry insiders are excited at this growth, saying "now, if only we could get them to spend that money on movie tickets, and not pirated copies of the movies in theaters. Yeah, that'd be sweet."
Speaking of movies, Katie Holmes will boycott the Oscars this year over an unflattering impersonation by co-host Anne Hathaway on Saturday Night Live. Producers of SNL are overjoyed to hear that someone watched the sketch. A representative for the Oscars issued a statement saying in part, "we respect Ms. Holmes' decision to boycott this year's show, just as we respect her decision not to reprise her role in Chris Nolan's The Dark Knight. It's her career, and she's free to sabotage it however she likes." When reached for comment, Mr. Cruise smiled disarmingly at reporters and remained perfectly motionless for a full seven minutes.
A deal is being worked out in India that would allow teachers to purchase laptops at a reduced price. Not only are the laptops affordable, the tech support is amazing, too.
Former Speaker of the House and fancy dancer Tom Delay was sentenced to three years in prison, in what will hopefully be the first of many former reality television starts sent to prison. No word yet if Delay will continue his mission in prison to build a permanent Republican majority.
South Korea rejected an invitation to talks with North Korea this week, claiming the talks were just an attempt to get aid from the economically prosperous South. Diplomats became suspicious when the North sent an invitation labeled "B.Y.O. 50 Tons of Food and Medicine."
Lastly, the Pope has urged Pakistan to repeal its anti-blasphemy laws. The cuddly Pontiff said "now, it may seem hypocritical for me to say this, since we used to torture and burn heretics who blasphemed against the Catholic Church. But we're missing a crucial point here: namely, Catholicism is real, but Islam is---" before he was ushered out of range of any sort of recording device.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
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