Better late than never? So sorry, but I fell asleep during the State of the Union last night. Had my own American dream. It's normal that I'm now concerned about all of our talking dog jobs being shipped overseas, right? And that those seas are full of sparkling fish-robots, right? That's normal? As per normal, here's some jokes.
Next year, Oscar voting will all be done online. Look for Ron Paul to be a big winner in several categories in 2013.
In Glenview, Illinois, a Lutheran pastor resigned yesterday over his use of "inappropriate language." I'm guessing it was Latin.
At auction, one of Liz Taylor's Dutch master sold for $2million! That must have been one unbelievable cigar.
In Oklahoma, singer Garth Brooks won back $1million he donated to a local hospital that failed to name its new building after his mother. In a related story, Chris Gaines can't afford health insurance.
In London, star of TV's Scrubs, Zach Braff, is making his big theatre debut in the west end. In a related story, the U.K. still considers Braff to be a celebrity. Suckers...
American public school lunches are set to get more vegetables and whole grains, much to the delight of kids who like throwing quality food at the foreign students.
In Los Angeles, the mayor finally signed into law a bill requiring porn actors to use condoms. It's expected that the industry will pull out of Los Angeles.
And finally, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are neck and neck in Florida. The race intensified this week, when Romney announced he was switching to "attack mode," although we need to keep in mind that he's still governed by Asimov's Laws. So, he's not that dangerous.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back real soon. Promise!
Showing posts with label scrubs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scrubs. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, March 14, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2011
It's one month till tax day. Have you done yours yet? I did my taxes this weekend, and it was so much fun I want to do it again! Why, yes, I am a member of the Democratic Party. Why do you ask? That doesn't actually count as a joke. Those are contained below.
The hacker group Anonymous is making a name for itself this week, with the release of secret emails from Bank of America employees. It's really not a big deal, though, as the emails were mostly forwards from icanhascheezburger.com.
In Darwinian news, trainers at Sea World will soon be returning to the work with the orcas. Work stopped with the massive sea beasts after one of them killed a trainer last year. It's like that old saying goes, if you fall off the horse, you've gotta get right back on, even if that horse is a giant aquatic killer that's trying to eat you.
Speaking of saddles, Lou Dobbs is back on television, hosting a new program on Fox Business Channel, proving that you can't keep a good paranoid reactionary down. He will be sharing hosting duties with his jowls.
The NFL players union is gearing up for a strike this month. However, in a press release issued today, the union guaranteed that the players will still keep up their same level of rapes.
In celebrity news, a sex tape featuring music star Usher is up for sale. MTV has already gone on the record saying they will not air the tape, but only because it could be misconstrued as a music video.
Al Qaida released a women's magazine this month, for some reason. The 30 page, glossy magazine is only available for purchase online, and includes beauty tips for women looking to marry a suicide bomber. Next month promises instruction on electronic jihad and exfoliation. Every word of this is true. Happy Women's History Month!
In Libya, thousands of migrant workers are leaving the country due to the escalating violence, and many are vowing never to return. The story was reported on Fox Business Channel by a visibly aroused Lou Dobbs.
And lastly, the producers of Grey's Anatomy announced that the long-running show will have a musical episode in the near future. It's hard to tell if this is out of a desire to explore the characters and complex issues in the show through a new and heretofore untapped medium, or if they just now got around to ripping off season 6 of Scrubs. Either way, SING ON!
That's it for me today. If you feel like these weren't the best you've ever read... well, I'd agree. Hope you enjoyed them anyway.
See you tomorrow!
The hacker group Anonymous is making a name for itself this week, with the release of secret emails from Bank of America employees. It's really not a big deal, though, as the emails were mostly forwards from icanhascheezburger.com.
In Darwinian news, trainers at Sea World will soon be returning to the work with the orcas. Work stopped with the massive sea beasts after one of them killed a trainer last year. It's like that old saying goes, if you fall off the horse, you've gotta get right back on, even if that horse is a giant aquatic killer that's trying to eat you.
Speaking of saddles, Lou Dobbs is back on television, hosting a new program on Fox Business Channel, proving that you can't keep a good paranoid reactionary down. He will be sharing hosting duties with his jowls.
The NFL players union is gearing up for a strike this month. However, in a press release issued today, the union guaranteed that the players will still keep up their same level of rapes.
In celebrity news, a sex tape featuring music star Usher is up for sale. MTV has already gone on the record saying they will not air the tape, but only because it could be misconstrued as a music video.
Al Qaida released a women's magazine this month, for some reason. The 30 page, glossy magazine is only available for purchase online, and includes beauty tips for women looking to marry a suicide bomber. Next month promises instruction on electronic jihad and exfoliation. Every word of this is true. Happy Women's History Month!
In Libya, thousands of migrant workers are leaving the country due to the escalating violence, and many are vowing never to return. The story was reported on Fox Business Channel by a visibly aroused Lou Dobbs.
And lastly, the producers of Grey's Anatomy announced that the long-running show will have a musical episode in the near future. It's hard to tell if this is out of a desire to explore the characters and complex issues in the show through a new and heretofore untapped medium, or if they just now got around to ripping off season 6 of Scrubs. Either way, SING ON!
That's it for me today. If you feel like these weren't the best you've ever read... well, I'd agree. Hope you enjoyed them anyway.
See you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)