Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.
In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?
Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.
Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.
In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?
Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.
Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.
And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.
Sponshorships are still available!
Showing posts with label egypt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label egypt. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - August 19, 2013
In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.
A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."
Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."
Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.
In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.
Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."
U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...
And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.
Is that it? Yes, for now.
A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."
Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."
Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.
In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.
Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."
U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...
And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.
Is that it? Yes, for now.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013
Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 1, 2013
Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012
In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2012
Bad news for Egypt, as the unemployment rate is skyrocketing. But don't worry, Romney has a secret plan.
Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.
Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."
Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."
Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.
A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.
And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.
Zing!
Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.
Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."
Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."
Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.
A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.
And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.
Zing!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2012
Oh, happy day! It's a day for jokes. Let's do that.
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - June 18, 2012
Gonna make this quick and weird, 'cause I'm on vacation/recovering from surgery/getting married this week. And with that, let's get to joking!
Soap, people.
A top secret spy plane operated by the US Air Force has reportedly returned to Earth after spending an impressive 469 days in orbit, say mission commanders who are not familiar with the phrase "top secret."
In Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood is claiming victory in national elections, thanks in large part to their platform of "Jobs, financial responsibility and education." Wait, no, hold on a second, that platform was actually "Fuck Israel."
In other politics, Greece's center-right pro-bailout coalition won a slim victory in parliamentary elections, narrowly beating out the Night Rider from Mad Max and Tina Turner's character from Beyond Thunderdome.
In New York, protesters staged a silent march against the NYPD's stop-and-frisk tactics of targeting minority youths for police harassment. The march lasted longer than planned, though, as the cops stopped and frisked every young minority they saw.
The Roman Catholic Church has dismissed a poll suggesting the majority of people in Scotland support same-sex marriage, saying the poll is faulty due to its "reliance on scientific methodology."
Governor Romney called President Obama's decision to stop deporting illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children an election-year political move meant to capitalize on the human emotion of love for children.
In Oregon, a 67 year-old woman was trapped under a dresser for four days. Next time, buy Ikea. No one ever got trapped under a piece of furniture that falls apart in a strong breeze.
And finally, an Oregon man contracted the plague recently after trying to remove a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat. Said the man, "it's okay, this is actually a two-fer on my 'Incredibly Disgusting' scavenger hunt."
Soap, people.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012
What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012
Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.
The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!
In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.
After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”
Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.
A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”
In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.
And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”
And that’s it! Later, gaters.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 23, 2012
Oh, boy. Monday. Nothing like it. And that's a good thing.
Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.
Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.
At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.
Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.
According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.
Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.
In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.
And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."
That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!
Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.
Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.
At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.
Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.
According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.
Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.
In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.
And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."
That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012
Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 12, 2012
Good time of day to you! How was your 47 hour weekend? I'm pretty sure if I had that extra hour I could have solved the whole economic crisis thing. But I didn't. So thanks a lot, G.V. Hudson. I did have time to write these jokes. So you can read them.
In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.
An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.
Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.
Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.
Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.
Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.
And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.
An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.
Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.
Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.
Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.
Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.
And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 16
And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.
The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.
Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.
Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.
In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.
Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.
Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.
The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.
And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"
Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.
Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.
Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.
In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.
Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.
Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.
The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.
And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"
Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012
No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 28, 2011
Greetings, fair travelers. Prithee, halt thine surfing of yonder webbe and partake in the repast of joviality collected herein to amuse and delight the humours of the minde! Oh, man, that's awful. Can you just pretend you read a nice introductory paragraph? I'll do better tomorrow. By Zeus' gleaming taile, I fhalle!
Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.
In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?
Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.
A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."
President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.
New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.
Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!
And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."
And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!
Sinead O'Connor just got divorced for the fourth time, after only 18 days of marriage. Let's see... pop star, bald-headed, lots of divorces. It's official. Britney Spears is America's Sinead O'Connor.
In other entertainment news, this year's Oscar ballots went out in the mail yesterday! And who says the Academy is out of touch?
Speaking of out of touch, Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson announced he will not seek reelection next year. In the last three years he's been able to torpedo unemployment aid, foreclosure and finance reforms as well as the public healthcare option. Said the Senator, "there's really nothing else for me to do for America, unless we can start bringing poor people into the Senate Chambers so I can physically kick them in the stomachs. No? That's not happening? Oh, that's too bad." He then sat down on a sick puppy and killed it.
A burglar in Pittsburgh was arrested recently after he posted pictures of his loot on Facebook. Police found the photos in his album, "I'm a Dumbass."
President Obama's job approval rating is higher than it's been since July, which is a strong indication that America has collectively decided to just get drunk this holiday season.
New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees set the single-season passing record last night. Tim Tebow still holds the single-season prayer record.
Egypt's courts outlawed the practice of conducting mandatory virginity tests on female detainees on the grounds that IT IS INSANE!
And finally, a Colorado man returned $10,000 he found at a Las Vegas airport to its rightful owner because he wanted to teach his kids about right and wrong. When asked for comment, his daughter said, "yep, that's great. Way better than Disney World."
And that's it. We wille be back anon. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2011
There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2011
Happy Kayobi to you, everyone. That's the Japanese word for "Tuesday," which literally translates to "fire day." Sounds more exciting than "Mexican pizza in the cafeteria day," doesn't it? Alright, that's enough learning. Let's get on with making fun of stuff and things.
Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.
In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.
In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.
In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.
Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.
Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.
And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."
And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!
Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.
In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.
In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.
In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.
Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.
Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.
And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."
And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2011
It's August. And this is, officially, a cruel, cruel summer. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an ambivalent fall. Alright, enough funny business. Here are some jokes.
Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.
Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.
Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.
Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.
Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.
In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.
And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.
Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.
Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.
Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.
Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.
Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.
In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.
And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.
Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everyone! In honor of it being Tuesday, I've written some jokes.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
In Texas, police were baffled by a homemade grenade found on the side of the highway. Then they remembered that it was Texas.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
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