Oh, happy day! It's a day for jokes. Let's do that.
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
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