Tuesday Morning Monologue: November 26, 2013

Astronomers said that if the comet designated ISON can survive a trip around the sun, it will put on a brilliant show for us here on Earth, unlike anything seen for a generation. NBC has already pledged to find a way to cancel it.

News out of Geneva today, the deal to limit a Iran's nuclear program fell apart after the Iranian delegation demanded the U.S. build a website to monitor the agreement.

Derek Rose is out for the season after a recent knee injury. He's looking forward to using his new found free time to try and sign up for Obamacare.

Kobe Bryant just signed a deal for $328 million. It was great news for the people who represent him in court.

Fans of Family Guy were outraged this weekend over the death of a beloved character on the show. But they're totally fine with setting the same three jokes over and over for 13 years.

At the Vatican, Vladimir Putin kissed an ancient icon of the Madonna. Unconfirmed reports indicate he may have gone for a standing double. And his shirt was off.

Completely insane weather hit the country just in time for people to have something to awkwardly talk about with their families at Thanksgiving.

A new report indicates that U.S. methane output is 50% higher than previously thought. "That's a bunch of bull shit," said skeptics and supporters.

Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2011

Hey, how are you doing? Yes, you specifically. Are you having a great day? Goodness, it's difficult to feign interest. But then again, you're reading this, aren't you? And now for jokes...

Oh happy day! Yesterday US stocks rose on the backs of consumer spending over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend! Yes, we're back on the road to recovery, and all it took was for Americans to go out in droves to purchase things things they don't need and can't possibly afford that were manufactured overseas for a fraction of what they would cost if those same Americans were hired to make them. Yep, that's a totally tenable situation. We'll be just fine.

Speaking of just fine, Newt Gingrich said yesterday that he's not perfect, but he's still better than Mitt Romney. In other news, Newt Gingrich will be marrying your Aunt Helen, because she's tired of waiting for true love and doesn't want to die alone.

In other marriage news, Herman Cain denied having a 13-year extra-marital affair. He was very specific about the 13-year part.

In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback apologized for his staff's overreaction to tweet sent by a high school student saying that he sucked. He did not apologize for sucking. Nor did he apologize for Whitney, but by God, someone should.

In an interview this week, director Guy Ritchie called his marriage to Madonna a "soap opera," which I'm assuming means it was full of bad acting, just like a Madonna movie.

UCLA's football coach Rick Neuheisel said yesterday that he remains positive after being fired after losing to USC this weekend. An upbeat Neuheisel said, "hey, it could be worse."

"Popular" search site Bing reported that searches for Casey Anthony were more popular than Osama bin Laden this year. So, there you have it. Casey Anthony is more popular that Osama bin Laden. But it was close.

In more Microsoft news, the company announced that the next generation of Kinect controllers will be able to read lips and track finger gestures, which will come in handy when you start shouting profanities at the screen.

And finally, a survey found this week that a record number of young Japanese are single and plan to stay that way, which proves that young Japanese people are the most intolerable people on the planet.

Yep, the science on that checks out. And that's all for today! More tomorrow. Can't stop. Won't stop. Until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2011

Good morning, good Monday, and good to see you. I've got a great blog for you today, in theory. I'm actually writing this introduction before the jokes, so maybe all this lofty rhetoric will come to naught. Or maybe not. I'm excited to find out. Anyone else?

An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.

Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.

In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.

More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.

In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.

Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.

In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.

And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.

And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!