Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says that his victory is a clear mandate from the people to take over international banks in the country. Basically, he says it's a mandate to take control of any place known for keeping an accurate count of things.
Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.
American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.
The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."
Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.
In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.
And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.
Ta.
Showing posts with label obesity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obesity. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2011
So, you say you want a revolution? Take your pick. But first, some jokes.
A leaked document from America Online outlined the companies new focus on becoming known as a content provider. The key to the new strategy is reminding people that AOL still exists, perhaps by sending a CD-ROM with information about AOL to every man, woman and child in America.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced that he will step down in September, saying "Yes, I will totally step down. Probably. Anyway, can we all just chill out until then and get back to the repression? By the way, does anyone want to be in my new cabinet? Anyone?"
In medical news, a study found a link between kids who undergo tonsillectomy surgery and future obesity. Must be all the ice cream.
In Los Angeles, a jury deadlocked in a mock trial to determine if the fictional character Hamlet was legally sane when he murdered Polonius. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy presided over the trial and offered an 18-page ruling written entirely in iambic pentameter.
Justin Timberlake turned 30 on Monday, which is actually 114 in pop-star years. JC Chavez was unavailable for comment due to the fact that no one knows where he is.
In Dallas, strip clubs are preparing for the Superbowl by hiring an additional 10,000 strippers to accommodate the influx of football fans. No word yet on how many security guards will be hired to protect them from Ben Rothlesberger.
Lazy-eyed Congresswoman Michelle Bachman voiced concern this week that nude photos of herself from airport body scanners would end up on the Internet. Looks like someone thinks pretty highly of herself.
Lastly, in education news, film star James Franco will be teaching a college course on himself. Writer and award-winning megalomaniac Aaron Sorkin voiced his support, saying "I wish I'd thought of that."
That's it.
See you tomorrow! Spread the word!
A leaked document from America Online outlined the companies new focus on becoming known as a content provider. The key to the new strategy is reminding people that AOL still exists, perhaps by sending a CD-ROM with information about AOL to every man, woman and child in America.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced that he will step down in September, saying "Yes, I will totally step down. Probably. Anyway, can we all just chill out until then and get back to the repression? By the way, does anyone want to be in my new cabinet? Anyone?"
In medical news, a study found a link between kids who undergo tonsillectomy surgery and future obesity. Must be all the ice cream.
In Los Angeles, a jury deadlocked in a mock trial to determine if the fictional character Hamlet was legally sane when he murdered Polonius. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy presided over the trial and offered an 18-page ruling written entirely in iambic pentameter.
Justin Timberlake turned 30 on Monday, which is actually 114 in pop-star years. JC Chavez was unavailable for comment due to the fact that no one knows where he is.
In Dallas, strip clubs are preparing for the Superbowl by hiring an additional 10,000 strippers to accommodate the influx of football fans. No word yet on how many security guards will be hired to protect them from Ben Rothlesberger.
Lazy-eyed Congresswoman Michelle Bachman voiced concern this week that nude photos of herself from airport body scanners would end up on the Internet. Looks like someone thinks pretty highly of herself.
Lastly, in education news, film star James Franco will be teaching a college course on himself. Writer and award-winning megalomaniac Aaron Sorkin voiced his support, saying "I wish I'd thought of that."
That's it.
See you tomorrow! Spread the word!
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