Friday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2012

Oh, what a wonderful vacation it's been. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. And to cap it all off, here is the most-viewed post in the history of Late Night Morning. Enjoy! (again?)

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2011

Happy Tuesday! Let's get to it.

In Philadelphia, an alleged crime boss was arrested yesterday. In hindsight, his only mistake was being a crime boss.

Speaking of crime, a man in Colorado Springs robbed a Wells Fargo bank while on crutches. Witnesses reported feeling terrified and inspired.

In fake crime, a 44-year old Canadian man told his wife that he had been mugged, rather than admit that he was unable to secure tickets to Oprah Winfrey's last show. Too bad Oprah's going off the air, because that sounds like a good show topic.

Speaking of talk show hosts, Rikki Lake said recently that being in love has made her fat. Still no explanation as to what made her a terrible actress.

In end of the world news, Biblical math-enthusiast Harold Camping, the 89-year old who predicted the world would end on Saturday, clarified yesterday that the actual end of the world will occur on October 21st. It's amazing that Camping has stuck to his guns on the whole "I figured out when the world is going to end" business, rather than just admit that he doesn't understand metaphors.

In other news signaling the end of the world, let's talk about the Billboard Music Awards. At the ceremony this weekend, Rihanna's security detail kept little Justin Bieber from talking to the star at the end of the program. Bieber, obviously angered by the snub, kept his cool and didn't bite anyone. Are you taking notes, Chris Brown?

Speaking of taking notes, TMZ is reporting that the Schwarzenegger love child story was initially leaked to the press by Maria Shriver's people. Seems fair, seeing as how the whole thing started with a leak from Arnold.

And lastly, Mark Zuckerberg said this week that he thinks children under 13 should be allowed to use Facebook, due to the great potential for education afforded by the website. NAMBLA issued a statement of support.

That's all for now, I guess. See you tomorrow! Till, then, don't forget your sunblock, and have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2012

Working on my tan. It's coming along nicely. Enjoy this blast from the recent past!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012

Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.

The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!

In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.

After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”

Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.

A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”

In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.

And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”

And that’s it! Later, gaters.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2012

More repeats!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 5, 2012

Alright, alright. I'll write. It's Tuesday all across America. Very important day in politics. Hope you all had a great breakfast. Yes, the banter is particularly disjointed today. Apologies. All apologies. Smells like Teen Spirit. By Mennen. I really shouldn't try to banter while watching the Thunder play.

Okay, how about some jokes?

Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.

In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.

In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.

In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.

Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.

Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.

Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.

Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.

And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.

Whew. Thunder up, my friends.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 14, 2012

Vacation reruns continue!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012

What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...

In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.

In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.

A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund someAIDS research.

Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!

Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.

In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."

Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.

And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.

I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 13, 2012

Hi all,

The Late Night Morning is going on vacation this week, because why not? So, I'll be running some of the more popular posts from the archives. Check it out!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2011

Happy Monday! Do you smell something roasting? You probably will in about 30 seconds.

In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.

In romantic news, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn publicly confirmed that they are in a relationship. They previously announced it on an episode of The Tonight Show, but since no one saw, they felt they needed to announce again.

In videogame news, a surprising number of Sony Playstation Network users are sticking with the company, even after their credit card numbers and email addresses were stolen by hackers last month. One consumer explained "we can forgive them; after all, it's not like they cancelled Conan O'Brien."

In movie news, Fast Five brought in $83Million this weekend, making it number one at the box office. Despite the success of the film, distributor Universal is demanding that the next installment star Jay Leno and his collection of old cars.

In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.

In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.

In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.

And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back onThe Tonight Show again."

That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.

Have a great day!