October 21, 2015: Sounds like a Blown Speaker

Hey, want to be Speaker of the House? No, you don't. Nobody does, but someone has to do it. It's like being a colorectal surgeon, except you get get to deal with 434 pains in the ass, and it's your own ass instead of someone else. Plus, you still have to pretend to hate ObamaCare even though you don't have a better idea and you're secretly so relieved that it's there.

What was I saying? Oh, right. It's a crap job, but someone has to do it. If only there was someone in Congress already used to taking on losing propositions and getting beaten up in the national media... maybe someone who made a name for himself as the sidekick to a failed presidential hopeful a few years ago.

Yep, Rep. Paul Ryan is quietly making it known that he may be willing to take on the worst job in Washington D.C. that doesn't involve the words, "crack," "whore," or "Assistant to Mr. Chuck Todd." But, before he gives up his plum position as Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, Paul Ryan has a few conditions that must be met:

• GOP congressional caucus members shall refrain from making eye contact with Speaker Ryan on leg day, or during any exercise involving his glutes
• If asked, caucus members shall agree that Ryan could totally still be President someday
• Voting ties will be settled by arm-wrestling
• Roll-call will be replaced with arm-wrestling. You lose, you don't get to vote today
• Former Gov. Mitt Romney will not be allowed in the Capitol
• The "Freedom Caucus" will be renamed the "French Caucus"
• Rep. Boehner must remain in a holding cell under the Capitol building "for emergencies"
• Will only be Speaker until the party can unite behind one candidate they all truly love
• Will be allowed to be as drunk as he needs to be while performing any and all Speaker-related duties
• No more Eddie Munster jokes

God bless America and our flawlessly executed political system. See you "tomorrow!"

September 23, 2015: There's Nutella-ing What Some People Will Do

Sean Penn just sued Lee Daniels for implying that he is a spousal abuser, and Penn is reportedly furious. It's lucky for Daniels that he isn't a photographer.

That joke was for the old people.

Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.

Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.

Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.

Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.

There's no such thing as that, don't worry.

Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?

Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.

And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.

Good morning!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013

President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.

The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.

Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.

NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.

Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.

Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.

The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"

And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.

Go Blackhawks.

Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012

In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.

In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.

In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.

Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.

The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.

A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.

Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.

And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.

Later!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012

Happy new year.

In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.

The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.

Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.

Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.

New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.

Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.

Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.

Anonymous is fine.

And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."

THANK YOU!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012

Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.

Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.

Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.

Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.

Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.

Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!

The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.

Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.

And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."

That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2012

More jokes!

In Russia, an Islamist sect was found living underground for nearly a decade. Some of them had never seen the sun at all. It’s almost like they’d been playing World of Warcraft.

Gallup revealed that Congress’ approval rating is at an all-time low this year, making John Boenher and Harry Reid the Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake of sucking at government.

Stuntman and douchebag Bam Margera was detained and handcuffed at the airport this week for reeking of booze. He was also detained and handcuffed at Whole Foods for reeking of booze, and at the Zoo, and the mall... He’s got problems.

Zoologists in Florida captured a giant python this week, and found it was carrying over 80 eggs. They’re speculating that it was in Florida hoping to talk shop with the Octomom.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to deliver the keynote speech at this year’s GOP convention. It’s going to be the first time the speech has to be bleeped.

Things are looking bad at Groupon, the daily deals website. Rumor is that their salespeople are ready to jump ship, which would explain why the website is offering so many deals on cheap salesman rentals.

In India, police blocked famous yoga guru Baba Ramdev from marching on parliament to protest corruption. However, he was allowed to defiantly crabwalk on city hall. Baby steps.

And finally, according to a recent workplace satisfaction study, Facebook is no longer one of the greatest places to work. It is still one of the greatest ways to waste time at work.

More tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2012

Hey, you guys ever wonder what it would be like to watch a crappy, hacky standup comic after the zombie apocalypse? Well, I bet it'd go something like this...

Wow, look at this room! Guess the walking dead only eat pretty people!

Speaking of pretty people, you hear what happened to Kate Moss? Yeah, she got turned into a zombie. Still won't eat, though. She's so skinny!

Anybody here raised by zombie parents? Yeah, zombie parents don't give you a "time out" when you're a kid, right? They give you a BITE out! AMIRITE!? Oh, child abuse.

My girlfriend turned into a zombie. I realized it when she stopped nagging, and started gnawing! This guy knows what I'm talking about!

You know what they say, you can't live with 'em, and you can't kill 'em, because they're already dead.

Those bozos in Congress have been useless, right? Looks like someone already ate their brains! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH! Those zombies must have starved to death! 'Cause those guys are so dumb! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH!

I envy the dead!

And you guys in this town, you are some crazy drivers! Tell you what, those walking dead better start running! Or else you'll run 'em over with your cars.

Can we get a hand for your waitstaff? Be sure to tip 'em well, you guys. Or not, they'll probably be dead tomorrow anyway.

Hey, you ever notice how black zombies groan like "ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaRRRRRRRRRoooooowwwwwwww" and white zombies are all like "buuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggoooooaaaaaaaaaarrrrrooooooooo?" I mean, come on! LOOSEN UP, ALREADY!

Oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend you guys. No, it's fine. You're not the first people to step out into a parking lot filled with bloodthirsty zombies rather than hear the rest of my show.

Well, looks like that's my time. I'll be in the lobby selling t-shirts and fire axes until the deathless horde breaks down the door--thank goodness it's not my ex-wife, RIGHT FELLAS!

Thank you, and goodnight!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2012

Happy Thursday! Do you have any drink specials? Oh, then you're probably not a bar in my neighborhood. Have joke, on me.

A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.

President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!

Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."

Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.

Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."

The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.

Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.

And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.

Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!

And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 12, 2012

You ever have one of those days when you think you know what you're going to write about, and then someone comes along and does something so stupid that you chuck out your eight carefully crafted jokes in favor mocking this one specific moment of hyper-douchebaggery? No? Well, it is a pretty specific experience, I'll give you that. And I'll also give you this, from *CONGRESSMAN* Allen West:

Yep. He just said he heard that around 80 democrats in the House of Representatives are communists. What else has he heard? (psst! If you follow me on Twitter @soonerseth then this might sound familiar... sorry!)

"I heard 80 House Democrats are Communists. No, I've never heard of Joe McCarthy."

"Democrats may also be witches."

"And it's possible they demanded that the House Cafeteria serve barbecued baby."

"I heard Charlie Rangel produced Madonna's new album."

"Have you heard that Nancy Pelosi double-dips chips at parties? Communist parties?"

"Democrats said you looked stupid today."

"Voting for Democrats makes you fat. Maybe."

"And Democrats in Congress might have tried to cancel Game of Thrones."

"You guys, financial reform makes you go blind. At least that's what I heard."

That's all. Thanks for joining in the fun while our civilization turns to shit!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2012

Hey, friends! Let's see what's happening now. Or yesterday, actually.

A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.

Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.

Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.

A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."

In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.

A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.

After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.

And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.

Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 22, 2011

You know how sometimes you forget that it's Monday? Well, that's what I did yesterday. It was pretty awesome. I suggest you try it sometime. And now back to jokes.

Scandal in the GOP presidential race! Mitt Romney admitted that he drank beer and tried cigarettes when he was younger. Well, that explains why he's losing. Apparently he never watched the ABC Afterschool Specials.

In related GOP news, the newly resurgent Newt Gingrich, who now leads in primary polls, said he sees himself as Washington's "Braveheart." I'm guessing Newt didn't finish watching that movie.

The congressional "super committee" charged with reducing the deficit by $1.2 trillion over the next ten years worked through the weekend on an elusive budget compromise. Because it just takes one great all-nighter to wipe away decades of entrenched partisan dogma and animosity.

Or not. The super committee announced yesterday that they have failed to reach a deficit-reduction deal. Assuming that the average salary for a member of Congress is $174,000 and that they spend an average of 175 days actually working each year, that means we paid the 12 members of the super committee nearly $24,000 to not come up with a solution to the deficit crisis. That's $24,000 that we will have to borrow from China. To not reach a solution. That means we'd have been better off buying them all dinner and sending them to the premier of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Not only would that have put money back into local economies, it would have shown Congress that we're serious. Either do your job, or we'll make you watch a shitty movie like Twilight again.

In a related story, Congress is so unpopular with Americans that they're attempting to rehabilitate the public image of Congress by having a puppy-eating contest. That's pretty unpopular, right? If eating puppies will make them more popular. Okay.

China announced they will be sending a pair of Pandas to Edinburgh. It's part of a plan to see how Pandas handle alcoholism, unemployment and methadone withdrawal.

Global financial markets fell again yesterday as investors realized the same people were in charge that were in charge three years ago.

Iran raised eyebrows this week when representatives pulled out of the Nuke-free Mideast talks when they realized the purpose of the talks wasn't to bring nukes to the Middle east.

Popstar and cultural icon Lady Gaga is set to receive the LGBT "Hero" honor, which guarantees that she will be remembered in perpetuity through drag shows in poorly-lit bars.

An international health study found that 40% of the world does not have access to a toilet, which means they've never been to Boston. BOOM! Take that, Boston!

And finally, a judge in the UK ordered members of the press to stay away from Hugh Grant's new baby and her mother, saying that journalists should "treat them like you would a story on AIDS research or financial reforms."

Okay, that's all. Hope you enjoyed this super-sized edition. Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow. Or maybe I'll forget. Who can tell!? Okay, until whenever, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 17, 2011

Hi, everyone! Hope you're having a wonderful time of day. Or night. Oh, the beauty of asynchronous media! Well, whatever. I hope you didn't wait too long to read these jokes, because it's topical humor. Well, judge for yourself.

The young woman who filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber has called off the suit before trial. So, she finally learned the importance of pulling out early.

In a statement released this week, PETA claimed that Super Mario, the popular video game character, is "pro-fur." However, in Mario's defense, it's important to remember that he isn't real.

Speaking of real, People magazine named Bradley Cooper this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Still waiting for them to name the Sexiest Dead Man, though.

Speaking of dead men, Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes award show again next year. Apparently the Golden Globes is run by amnesiacs.

This just in: Glendale, California, is banning fake grass. No word on fake breasts.

Speaking of breasts, television star Sofia Vergara revealed yesterday that her former publicist told her to get breast reduction surgery. It is worth noting that her publicist really liked having a challenge.

In order to keep its stock price afloat, LinkedIn will sell 8 million shares. And I'm sure we will each get a notification email for each share sold.

I get a lot of LinkedIn emails, people.

And finally, Congress' approval rating has sunk to 9%. The BP oil spill has an approval rating of 16%. If this keeps up much longer, Congress may have to run against Mitt Romney. That seems to raise everyone's approval among voters.

I kind of feel badly for Mitt Romney. Then I remember he made his money by selling American jobs overseas. So screw that guy.

And that's how I'll end my time this week. Spencer will bring you joy tomorrow,

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2011

Happy Tuesday! I had some Benadryl tonight, so I need to finish this befoer e;oahe; ks.

Okay, so here's 8 things you should know about the Congressional budget deal!

1. The plan includes sever funding cuts for FEMA; fortunately they have a rainy day fund.

2. The deal won't be passed this week, as the House is closed for Rosh Hashanah. Apparently the House of Representatives is part of Hollywood.

3. The proposed bill will keep the government running for the next six weeks, at which time surely all this partisan bickering will be over with.

4. The Senate initially rejected the deal due to their own internal split on the best way to destroy the country.

5. The cuts to FEMA will be balanced off with private funds, meaning that we will now have corporate branding for all future disasters. Get ready for Hurricane iPhone!

6. The plan includes a provision put in by Senate Republicans to garnish 100% of Harry Reid's lunch money, forever.

7. The congressional record of debate on this package now includes four hours of Mary Landrieu (D-LA) reciting "yo mamma" jokes directed toward Eric Cantor (R-VA).

8. The final deal includes $450 million to repair roads, but none that "poor people use."

That's all! Get yourself back here tomorrow, there will probably be more stuff like this waiting for you. That's all for now! Until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 12, 2011

It's Monday, so get ready to learn something. Today we have some little-known facts about the United States Congress. You are constitutionally required to read this. But you don't have to like it.

The legislative supply list for U.S. Senators includes three spiral-bound notebooks, safety scissors and $400K in a PAC funded by Goldmann Sachs.

Representative Dingle opens each session of Congress with his trademarked "LET'S GET READY TO LEGISLAAAAAAAAAAATE!"

Senator Scott Brown, when recently pressed for details about his summer activities, broke into a full rendition of "Summer Lovin."

The Senate Judiciary Committee's first act was to toilet paper the Supreme Court.

Drafting is now closed for this season's fantasy legislation league.

Also, members of Congress are not allowed to bet on themselves in the annual scandal pool.

Three Representatives have been temporarily suspended for testing positive for anabolic steroids.

And finally, Congress has been busy this week building a decoy Capitol building to distract members of the tea party movement.

That's all the learning for now. Come back tomorrow for more jokes and stuff.

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 7, 2011

Hey, everyone! You came back! Or came for the first time. Whatever. You're reading, and that's all that matters. And you've made it to the middle of the week. Can you taste the weekend? If you can, you should probably see a neurologist, because you're likely having some sort of gustatory hallucination. Look it up. You've got the Internet. And you've also got these jokes!

Filmmaker Sofia Coppola got married last month in southern Italy. Congratulations to her! Early buzz says that the wedding video is a real tour de force of understated emotional poignancy. I'm sure it's totally not unwatchable.

In other European celebrity news, Tom Jones cancelled a show in London citing "dehydration." Is there any chance that "dehydration" doesn't mean "drunk off his ass?"

In other musical news, pop provocateurs The Flaming Lips announced that the band is working on a six-hour song. The nations pot-dealers say they'll do their best to keep up.

Speaking of Phish, I mean pot, I mean Phish, the legendary jam band will soon be returning to Vermont for a concert to raise money for flood victims. And yes, a Phish concert in a flood zone is the closest most of the fans will come to bathing in the next six months.

Speaking of needing to wash it off, ABC named Ben Flajnik as the next "Bachelor" on the matchmaking show The Bachelor. Flajnik (pronounced "doosh-bag") said he's looking forward to meeting a bunch of women and falling in love with whoever the producers tell him to. Just like our grandparents did...

Regis Philbin announced that he will be leaving Live on November 18th. This corrected an earlier statement that he would be leaving Life on November 18th. That actually isn't scheduled until the end of January. Jay Leno has already started lobbying to replace him. Have I made that joke before? Oh, screw it.

Congress is back in session, finally, so get ready to watch our members of congress work together across party lines to find mutually beneficial answers to all of the nation's problems in Bizarro World. We're screwed.

And finally, Rudy Giuliani said that he will run for President "if things get desperate." Well, Rudy, I think you running for President defines "desperate," so... kinda trailed off there, petered out and didn't finish strong... oh, forget it.

Alright, that's all! Good times for all, right? Hope you enjoyed it. See you again tomorrow, right?!

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 9, 2011

Happy Tuesday, unless you're in London, in which case, LOOK OUT! Here's some jokes.

A study revealed this week that increasingly, recruiters for major corporations are turning to Facebook for their employee search, because they're looking for people who spend all their time on Facebook, apparently. Productivity is overrated.

Sad news today, as the United States House of Representatives announced it is ending the nearly 200-year old Capitol Page Program. No word yet on how this will impact the Rape a Capitol Page Program.

For some reason, Hollywood is making a Dirty Dancing remake. So now a whole new generation can get sick of it. Oh well, at least it will introduce 14 year-olds to the magic of Joe Cocker's soothing voice. He'll still be doing the theme song, right? Oh, screw it.

Shocking media news this week, as many conservatives are angry about the angry-looking, crazy-eyed picture of Michele Bachmann on the cover of Newsweek. They feel that it sets an unhealthy standard of wild-eyed batshit-crazy rage that young girls cannot live up to. And they're right. They've clearly airbrushed the last bit of sanity right out of her smile. It's just not fair.

Following up with the news of rapper Big Boi's arrest this weekend, police revealed that drug dogs actually smelled the drugs on Big Boi, alerting the police. The dogs then had to go lay down, eat some Captain Crunch and listen to Pink Floyd for about an hour.

In response to the government crackdown in Syria this month, the government of Saudi Arabia recalled its Syrian ambassador out of protest. If that isn't the repressive pot calling the kettle tyrannical...

Kanye West said today that he's tired of people looking at him like Hitler. Does that mean he's tired of people looking at him in a manner that he feels Hitler would have looked at him, or that he thinks people think he's Hitler? If it's the latter, he should probably knock it off with all those big late-night rallies with all those torches and costumes and singing and whatnot. If it's the former, well, then it sounds like he's just being paranoid... Just. Like. HITLER!

And lastly, Kate Gosselin, formerly of Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced that she is ready to date again. I'm not sure if that's a warning, or not. Regardless, her uterus also issued a statement: "HELP!"

That's all for me. Keep shining, you all. And we'll see you tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 4, 2011

Great. Let's do this.

Big drug news in the U.K. this week, as authorities intercepted a yacht with over a ton of cocaine on board. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen said "Wait, was it white with blue pinstripes?! Oh, shit. This weekend is gonna suck now."

Meanwhile, political reforms continue in Cuba, as a new law passed allowing Cubans to purchase homes. Now, if only there was a law that allowed them to have some money.

A recent story about the deficient IQs of web-surfers who use Microsoft Internet Explorer story was a hoax meant to ridicule people for using the outdated browser. Fortunately, most IE users are too dumb to know it.

Congress adjourned for the summer, leaving the Federal Aviation Administration unfunded and unable to effectively manage American air travel. Apparently everyone in Congress will be driving home this summer.

Back to the Internet, Missouri recently passed a law banning teachers from communicating with their students over Facebook, much to the disappointment of that one math teacher you had. You know who I'm talking about.

In international police news, a worldwide child pornography ring was shut down this week, and over 70 people were arrested, much to the disappointment of that one... yeah, you know.

In crazy dictator news, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez shaved his head this week, calling it his "new look." He then went on to add, "and the curtains match the carpet, ladies."

And lastly, in other crazy dictator news, Iranian "leader" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in an interview this week, "When we say we don't want to build an atomic bomb it means we really do not want to build an atomic bomb," adding "WINK!"

That's it for me this week! I'll see you Monday, and Spencer will be here tomorrow!

Till then, have a great day!