Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label topical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label topical. Show all posts
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 23, 2012
Joy! It's joke time again!
Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."
Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.
A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.
In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.
Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.
Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."
Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."
And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.
Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?
Rumors are circulating that cell phone giant Nokia, lately beset with poor sales of the new Windows phone, is planning something new for September 7. Investors are hoping it's "profit."
Ford recalled 11,500 of their Escape SUVs, and told owners not to drive them, which is something that should have occurred to them as soon as they realized they were Fords.
A firefighter in Georgia rescues a baby boy from a storm drain last week. She was unable, unfortunately, to save any of the bathwater.
In New York, a bus driver caught a young girl who fell from her third floor apartment. The NY Mets have asked him to tell them how he did it.
Spain's King Juan Carlos I lost his title as head of the WWF over his participation in an elephant hunt. He's going to try to get it back next month in a pay-per-view tag team match.
Islamic and Hebrew leaders in Germany say they're being persecuted by the country's circumcision ban, to which Germany responded "just be glad you're not Scientologists."
Former President Bill Clinton met with the Greek Premier Antonis Samaras last week to discuss foreign investments in the country. Once it became clear that there wouldn't be any, Samaras then asked Clinton for any "hot tips."
And finally, Joe Paterno's family issued a statement this weekend, saying that Sandusky's sexual abuse victims would not helped by the removal of Joe Paterno's statue from the campus. Fortunately, the victims are well accustomed to receiving no help from Joe Paterno in any way. The statue will be removed, however, which is better than the original plan: leave it in place but put blinders on.
Yay! No more jokes! Wait, what?
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 17, 2012
Ugh. Jokes now.
The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.
Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.
North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.
In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.
In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.
NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.
A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.
And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.
Tell your friends.
The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.
Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.
North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.
In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.
In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.
NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.
A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.
And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.
Tell your friends.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012
Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012
Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.
Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.
Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.
GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.
Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.
Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.
Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.
And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.
Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.
Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.
Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.
GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.
Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.
Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.
Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.
And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.
Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2012
Happy Wednesday. Are you surviving the heat? If you aren't then you're probably dead, and at the risk of sounding prejudiced, I don't want dead people reading my blog. Go read the Drudge Report or something.
If you're not dead, then I have some tips for you on surviving the summer heat that are about as useful as people asking you if it is hot enough for you. Hate those guys...
* Ancient Egyptians used to spread crocodile dung on their skin to keep cool. Try it! And post your results on YouTube.
* In the 1920s, people used to go to the movie theaters to stay cool. Build a time machine, go back to the 1920s and enjoy all the ice-cooled air you can stand! Oh, and also, maybe try and do something about that Hitler fella.
* Mammals are warm-blooded. Therefore, the more blood in your body, the hotter you're going to be. See if you can't do something about that.
* Move north.
* Buddhists believe that our desire is the source of our suffering. So, if you're suffering in the heat, it's your own fault, you greedy asshole.
* Nerves carry sensory data, like heat, to our brains. Lots of household cleaning products cause nerve damage. You do the math.
* Get naked. Unless you are ugly.
* Turn up the air conditioner, numbnuts. It's too late to do anything about climate change, so go crazy!
That's all for now! Stay cool, Internet!
If you're not dead, then I have some tips for you on surviving the summer heat that are about as useful as people asking you if it is hot enough for you. Hate those guys...
* Ancient Egyptians used to spread crocodile dung on their skin to keep cool. Try it! And post your results on YouTube.
* In the 1920s, people used to go to the movie theaters to stay cool. Build a time machine, go back to the 1920s and enjoy all the ice-cooled air you can stand! Oh, and also, maybe try and do something about that Hitler fella.
* Mammals are warm-blooded. Therefore, the more blood in your body, the hotter you're going to be. See if you can't do something about that.
* Move north.
* Buddhists believe that our desire is the source of our suffering. So, if you're suffering in the heat, it's your own fault, you greedy asshole.
* Nerves carry sensory data, like heat, to our brains. Lots of household cleaning products cause nerve damage. You do the math.
* Get naked. Unless you are ugly.
* Turn up the air conditioner, numbnuts. It's too late to do anything about climate change, so go crazy!
That's all for now! Stay cool, Internet!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012
Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012
Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.
Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?
In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.
In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.
And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.
That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2012
I sure hope you don't waste today sitting around, staring at a stupid screen all day. Unless you're reading my blog, of course. Jokes commencing!
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012
Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2012
Jokes on Friday!? WHY NOT!
Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.
In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.
Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.
By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.
Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.
Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.
Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."
In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.
And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.
And that's how it goes.
Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.
In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.
Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.
By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.
Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.
Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.
Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."
In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.
And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.
And that's how it goes.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2012
You know what this is? This is my first blog post as a married man. Sorry for the extended vacation, but now I'm back, with all the wisdom and experience that only comes with four whole days of marriage. And jokes.
A bunch of irate gunmen rammed a van full of gasoline cans into Microsoft's Greek headquarters yesterday. No one was injured, thankfully, as the RAM failed.
In Germany, a judge outlawed male circumcision, ruling that the act constituted bodily injury. But rugby and Oktoberfest are still just fine.
T-Mobile's chairman stepped down yesterday after just two years. He would have quit earlier, but didn't want to pay the $175 early termination fee.
A study found that Apple users are shown pricier hotels on Orbitz.com than Windows users, while Linux users are shown their parents' basement.
A Del Taco cashier recently stabbed a patron, allegedly, over a dispute regarding the customer's order. It was the first time a Del Taco employee ever cared about the job.
Darden Restaurants, owners of Red Lobster and The Olive Garden, is trying to turn around sales at the struggling chains, apparently going so far as to flirt with the idea of serving delicious food. Just flirt with it.
Speaking of seafood, this week marked the first time that seafood from the Fukushima region of Japan was sold since the nearby nuclear power plant suffered a near-meltdown last year. Chefs are excited to begin using the newly available Gojira steaks.
And finally, beverage maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is close to purchasing a controlling share in the makers of Corona beer, proving that no one at Anheuser-Busch InBev has ever had a Corona.
C'est fini. Let's do this again sometime.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012
Let the weird and fast continue!
Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.
Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.
Whitney sucks.
Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm Face.com. No word yet on their attempts to purchase Book.com. Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."
Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.
Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.
Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.
Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.
And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.
Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - June 18, 2012
Gonna make this quick and weird, 'cause I'm on vacation/recovering from surgery/getting married this week. And with that, let's get to joking!
Soap, people.
A top secret spy plane operated by the US Air Force has reportedly returned to Earth after spending an impressive 469 days in orbit, say mission commanders who are not familiar with the phrase "top secret."
In Egypt, the Muslim Brotherhood is claiming victory in national elections, thanks in large part to their platform of "Jobs, financial responsibility and education." Wait, no, hold on a second, that platform was actually "Fuck Israel."
In other politics, Greece's center-right pro-bailout coalition won a slim victory in parliamentary elections, narrowly beating out the Night Rider from Mad Max and Tina Turner's character from Beyond Thunderdome.
In New York, protesters staged a silent march against the NYPD's stop-and-frisk tactics of targeting minority youths for police harassment. The march lasted longer than planned, though, as the cops stopped and frisked every young minority they saw.
The Roman Catholic Church has dismissed a poll suggesting the majority of people in Scotland support same-sex marriage, saying the poll is faulty due to its "reliance on scientific methodology."
Governor Romney called President Obama's decision to stop deporting illegal immigrants brought to the U.S. as children an election-year political move meant to capitalize on the human emotion of love for children.
In Oregon, a 67 year-old woman was trapped under a dresser for four days. Next time, buy Ikea. No one ever got trapped under a piece of furniture that falls apart in a strong breeze.
And finally, an Oregon man contracted the plague recently after trying to remove a dead rodent from the mouth of a stray cat. Said the man, "it's okay, this is actually a two-fer on my 'Incredibly Disgusting' scavenger hunt."
Soap, people.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 13, 2012
Hey, how's it going? Didja miss me? Well, now I'm back, and thanks for waiting. Let's have some jokes.
In baseball news, Alex Rodriguez hit his 23rd grand slam, tying the record held by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. A-Rod is currently also the all-time record-holder for STDs.
In news from Broadway, Cybil Shepherd, John Stamos and Kristin Davis are stepping in as the new principle cast in Gore Vidal's The Best Man, or as it will be now known, The Second-Best Man.
U.N. observers in Syria now say the country is in a civil war. Oh, sorry, wait, this is from a year ago. What's that? Yesterday? Awkward...
Fast food purveyors Burger King have announced a new bacon sundae for this summer. It's the central item on their new "You're Gonna Puke Menu."
Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy Corgan let loose on Radiohead this week, saying he would "piss" on the British rockers. He then went on to release a full album on time that was praised by fans and critics for its timely, evolved sound. Just kidding!
How about JPOP? Japanese girl-group AKB48 is rising in popularity, in part because of its reliance on fan voting to determine the band's ever-changing lineup. In a related story, Mitt Romney was recently seen wearing a Sailor Moon outfit.
Executives from ABC are urging a federal judge to quit blocking the premier of a new reality show this summer. Wait, judges can do that? I gotta go file some lawsuits.
And finally, musicianbag John Mayer said recently that he was upset Taylor Swift over her tell-off song "Dear John," which he assumes is about him. Swift clarified that the song isn't about him, but her B-side "Dear Douchebag, Here are the Reasons You Suck" may be about him. In a related story, the rest of us are upset with John Mayer over every crappy song he has ever recorded.
That's all! Thanks, everyone!
In baseball news, Alex Rodriguez hit his 23rd grand slam, tying the record held by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. A-Rod is currently also the all-time record-holder for STDs.
In news from Broadway, Cybil Shepherd, John Stamos and Kristin Davis are stepping in as the new principle cast in Gore Vidal's The Best Man, or as it will be now known, The Second-Best Man.
U.N. observers in Syria now say the country is in a civil war. Oh, sorry, wait, this is from a year ago. What's that? Yesterday? Awkward...
Fast food purveyors Burger King have announced a new bacon sundae for this summer. It's the central item on their new "You're Gonna Puke Menu."
Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy Corgan let loose on Radiohead this week, saying he would "piss" on the British rockers. He then went on to release a full album on time that was praised by fans and critics for its timely, evolved sound. Just kidding!
How about JPOP? Japanese girl-group AKB48 is rising in popularity, in part because of its reliance on fan voting to determine the band's ever-changing lineup. In a related story, Mitt Romney was recently seen wearing a Sailor Moon outfit.
Executives from ABC are urging a federal judge to quit blocking the premier of a new reality show this summer. Wait, judges can do that? I gotta go file some lawsuits.
And finally, musicianbag John Mayer said recently that he was upset Taylor Swift over her tell-off song "Dear John," which he assumes is about him. Swift clarified that the song isn't about him, but her B-side "Dear Douchebag, Here are the Reasons You Suck" may be about him. In a related story, the rest of us are upset with John Mayer over every crappy song he has ever recorded.
That's all! Thanks, everyone!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2012
Snap into a topical joke blog! Ooh, yeah! That's one spicy humor blog! I'm not good at advertising, or banter this week. But then again... jokes!
Barbara Walters apologized this week for helping an aide to Syria's Monster-in-Chief, Bashar Assad, who was trying to get a job in America. But then again, she said the same thing about Debbie Matenopoulos.
Yesterday, the Olympic flame entered Dublin, Ireland. Several hours later, it slowly stumbled out, looking for eggs and hash.
Restaurant chain Taco Bell is trying to combat its image as a cheap, late-night fast food spot. So, they're introducing upscale items to the menu, hoping to give customers a classier diarrhea experience.
Actor and life-coach Charlie Sheen told Rolling Stone in an interview this week that he "was in total denial" in his life until recently, but has finally come to his senses. And by that, he means he finally admits that Two and a Half Men was a terrible show. Oh, and probably something about not doing cocaine, I would guess.
Mitt Romney's personal email may have been hacked. Friends and family became suspicious when they started receiving emails from the former Governor that were logically coherent and full of factually correct information.
Hey, music fans! Ziggy Stardust just turned 40 years old! But that's only 21 in Martian Spider years.
Technology news now! A hacker claimed yesterday to have stolen 6.5 million passwords from the LinkedIn social networking site. Industry experts doubt the claim, though, as clearly there have never been 6.5 million LinkedIn users.
And finally, in other tech news, Ironfire Capital founder Eric Jackson said yesterday that Facebook will disappear in a few years. He's also very optimistic about his genital herpes clearing up any time now.
</ha ha ha> until tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2012
Fair warning, these jokes might reveal something of a political bias. You've been warned. And now, JOKES!
Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.
In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.
Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.
Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.
Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.
Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.
And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.
That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!
Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.
In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.
Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.
Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.
Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.
Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.
And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.
That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 5, 2012
Alright, alright. I'll write. It's Tuesday all across America. Very important day in politics. Hope you all had a great breakfast. Yes, the banter is particularly disjointed today. Apologies. All apologies. Smells like Teen Spirit. By Mennen. I really shouldn't try to banter while watching the Thunder play.
Okay, how about some jokes?
Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.
In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.
In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.
In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.
Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.
Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.
Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.
Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.
And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.
Whew. Thunder up, my friends.
Okay, how about some jokes?
Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.
In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.
In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.
In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.
Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.
Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.
Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.
Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.
And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.
Whew. Thunder up, my friends.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2012
What's this?! Technology has wrought an out-loud recording of joke-like humor materials?! Yes, that's what's happened. Enjoy the weekend rundown, featuring:
Hosni Mubarak!
Joe Biden! (no relation)
Facebook!
Ice Cream!
President Obama!
GLAAD!
GLAD! (no relation)
Isn't that fun! Listen and download, a'ight?!
Hosni Mubarak!
| Official Bastard. |
Joe Biden! (no relation)
| Look at those teeth! |
Facebook!
| Sometimes... |
Ice Cream!
| Dairy-free! |
President Obama!
| For better or worse. |
GLAAD!
| Acronyms are hard, sometimes |
GLAD! (no relation)
| STRONG! |
Isn't that fun! Listen and download, a'ight?!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2012
Welcome back, everyone! Anyone have a weekend? Yeah, that's good stuff. Anyone have any jokes?
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
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