September 21, 2015: Litter-ally the Worst

Congrats to all the Emmy winners, specifically to HBO's Veep and Game of Thrones. One is a pessimistic examination of how human nature can be corrupted and compromised by the quest for power, and the other one has dragons and stuff.

In Colorado, a homeless man was sentenced to six months in prison for massive littering. In fact, he dumped over four tons of garbage in a national forest...
... Volunteers said the forest was more disgusting than Donald Trump hitting on his own daughter.
... It was the most heinous dump taken in Colorado since Alferd Packer got out of prison.
... and now Smokey the Bear has hepatitis.
... and at least half of it was the starting lineup for the Denver Nuggets.
... next, on the season premier of Outdoor Hoarders.
... So now Sesame Street will be going on hiatus until Oscar finishes serving the sentence.
... otherwise known as the Mile High Music Festival.
... so if your Coors Light tastes a little funny, that's probably why.

In other disgusting news, Ben Carson said that he could not support a Muslim for President, because the Qur'an is incompatible with the U.S. Constitution, adding "yeah, I know that sounds crazy, but it's at most the second craziest thing you're going to hear a presidential candidate say today."

Speaking of Trump saying crazy things, the latest (as of this joke being written), is that Mr. Trump doesn't accept that Pres. Obama was born in the U.S. and is not a Muslim. He can't accept those facts, but has no trouble believing:
... that thing on his head looks like human hair.
... putting your name on enough buildings will make your dick seem bigger.
... there's nothing hypocritical about decrying the use of cheap Mexican labor by American companies while simultaneously having his clothing line assembled in Mexico.
... people like him for who he is.

And one more: Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump's hair looks like Dairy Queen soft serve ice cream, and now she's being sued by Dairy Queen.

Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she made some news recently for dancing with supporters on a rope line in New Hampshire. The dancing turned a little competitive, with Sec. Clinton eventually yelling in a supporter's face: YOU GOT SERVERED! It was almost as awkward as the last two years of her husband's presidency.

Later, gators!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 18, 2012

Let's make jokes to deal with our feelings of frustration and helplessness at the modern problems we are beset by. Joy!

Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.

In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.

Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.

Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.

Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.

In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.

Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.

Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."

And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.

That's the end.