Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2013

The Greek government said yesterday it is committed to cutting the "bloated" public sector workforce, which is bad news for fat guys working government jobs in Greece.

Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the  Nets?"

He likes to bet.

Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."

Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.

The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.

The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.

Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.

And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.

And that's it!

Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2013

Some half-and-half for your coffee this morning? As in "the week is half-over, and these jokes are half-funny." Enjoy.

Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant. The actress announced her pregnancy via Twitter as an April Fool's joke this week, then revealed the hoax. She said she was overjoyed to see how many people cared about her, but you know, not enough to do something about her.

In Seattle, 44,000 people requested season tickets for a hypothetical NBA franchise in the city. That number is expected to fall once they realize it's the Sacramento Kings.

A sheep in the U.K. gave birth to a healthy lamb with five legs. Scientists predict the lamb will be 25% more filling than a normal lamb.

Archaeologists found the long lost ruins of a site known as "The Gate to Hell." The Turkish ruins are thought to be the world's first bank.

Online game company Zynga will begin offering gambling with real money today, so now they can lose your money even if you don't invest with them.

Viewers are flocking to webcams on Animal Planet's website that feature a wide range of animals in their natural environments. The idea came from The Jersey Shore.

A Pittsburgh man is accused of stealing promotional cakes from a "Cake Boss" event. In a related story, his prison nickname will also be "Cakes."

And finally, Hillary Clinton supporters have already started raising money for her possible run in 2016. Fundraisers cannot wait to see who she loses the nomination to next.

And that's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 23, 2012

Oh, boy. Monday. Nothing like it. And that's a good thing.

Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.

Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.

At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.

Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.

According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.

Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.

In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.

And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."

That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2012

Roll it! We've got some ground to cover. No time for chit chat. None at all. Jokes...

The U.K. is celebrating the 60 years Queen Elizabeth II has spent on the throne. Longest potty-training ever.

Country musician Randy Travis was arrested for public intoxication outside a Texas church this weekend. Fortunately, he can write it off as a business expense.

Scientists from America and Russia are racing to be the first to drill into a newly-discovered Antarctic lake that has been hidden for 20 million years. The first team to find new forms of life gets to name them, and then eat them. Those are the rules of science.

Also, apparently they've never read At the Mountains of Madness.

Cyclist Alberto Contador was stripped of his Tour de France title for doping this week. It's a huge disappointment to his fans, who must now give back all the money they made betting on him. Those are the rules of gambling.

Speaking of gambling, Newt Gingrich edged out Ron Paul for second place in the Nevada primary, but unfortunately still did not cover the spread.

However, Gingrich did receive an endorsement from Chuck Norris yesterday. When asked if this was a purely political decision, Norris replied "this time, it's personal." Then a bunch of ninjas came in and Norris had to fight them off before they were able to talk about climate change.

Google recently hired a top executive away from Apple to work on a "secret project." Sources at Google confirm that it is, in fact, just a really big surprise birthday party.

And finally, 37 million people watched the season premier of The Voice on Sunday, or in other words: 14 times as many people as have voted in the GOP primary race so far. Maybe they could up that number with a crossover...

Congratulations, Whitney, you're no longer the worst thing I've seen on television.

Okay, that's it! See you next time!