Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2012

G'day, mates. Get your funny faces on and let's have some jokes.

Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.

She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.

A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.

Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.

Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.

Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.

In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!

• Dr. Douchebag
• Douchefinger
• From Russia with a Douche
• Never Say Douchebag Again
• The Man With the Golden Douche
• View to a Douchebag

And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.

So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012

And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.

Now, for some other crap:

A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.

In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.

Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.

Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.

Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.

Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.

Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.

Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.

A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.

And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.

That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.