October 21, 2015: Sounds like a Blown Speaker

Hey, want to be Speaker of the House? No, you don't. Nobody does, but someone has to do it. It's like being a colorectal surgeon, except you get get to deal with 434 pains in the ass, and it's your own ass instead of someone else. Plus, you still have to pretend to hate ObamaCare even though you don't have a better idea and you're secretly so relieved that it's there.

What was I saying? Oh, right. It's a crap job, but someone has to do it. If only there was someone in Congress already used to taking on losing propositions and getting beaten up in the national media... maybe someone who made a name for himself as the sidekick to a failed presidential hopeful a few years ago.

Yep, Rep. Paul Ryan is quietly making it known that he may be willing to take on the worst job in Washington D.C. that doesn't involve the words, "crack," "whore," or "Assistant to Mr. Chuck Todd." But, before he gives up his plum position as Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, Paul Ryan has a few conditions that must be met:

• GOP congressional caucus members shall refrain from making eye contact with Speaker Ryan on leg day, or during any exercise involving his glutes
• If asked, caucus members shall agree that Ryan could totally still be President someday
• Voting ties will be settled by arm-wrestling
• Roll-call will be replaced with arm-wrestling. You lose, you don't get to vote today
• Former Gov. Mitt Romney will not be allowed in the Capitol
• The "Freedom Caucus" will be renamed the "French Caucus"
• Rep. Boehner must remain in a holding cell under the Capitol building "for emergencies"
• Will only be Speaker until the party can unite behind one candidate they all truly love
• Will be allowed to be as drunk as he needs to be while performing any and all Speaker-related duties
• No more Eddie Munster jokes

God bless America and our flawlessly executed political system. See you "tomorrow!"

October 13, 2015: No Nudes is Good Nudes

Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.

Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.

Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.

Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.

In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.

A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.

In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.

And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.