Thursday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2012

I was going to write this entirely in binary, but that's really tedious. And these jokes are tedious enough already. So, 0111001010011010101001011010101101010100011101001! Am I right?! Ladies know.

At a concert this week, Madonna exhorted her fans to support the "black Muslim" in the White House. She later defended her remarks by reminding reporters that she's very, very stupid.

Dame Helen Mirren recently received a special honor from the European Film Academy for her achievements in world cinema. The award statue, just like the Dame herself, is unchanged since the late 1970s.

Before?

After? If so, not by much.

Author J.K. Rowling said this week that she hasn't ruled out the possibility of writing another Harry Potter novel. In a related story, she also hasn't ruled out purchasing Hawaii.

In Hong Kong, a tycoon just posted a $65million bounty for any man who can "woo" his lesbian daughter away from her wife. Oh, has attempted prostitution ever been so hilarious?

A medical study published week found that castrated men live longer than other men, providing some of the most elegant evidence yet that God exists and his sense of humor is terrible.

The mayor of Phoenix spent a week living on a foodstamp budget, and ended up losing four pounds after just one week, which explains why so many poor people are so sexy.

Amid flagging sales, the CEO of Radio Shack just stepped down. His severance package included a lifetime supply of C-Cell batteries.

And finally, pork analysts are predicting a worldwide shortage of bacon this year. The suspected culprit: an unfortunate convergence of poorly constructed homes and blustery worlves! Just kidding, it's our fat asses.

That's it! Later, kiddos.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2011

Hey! It's another edition of Way Back Wednesday! I wonder... what was happening in August of 1981...

Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?

Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."

What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.

Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.

IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.

In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.

Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.

And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.

Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!

Till then, have a great day.

Monday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2011

Okay, everybody, looks like we've got some jokes for you today. Hope that's why you came.

A Montana Radio Shack location is offering a free gun with the purchase and installation of Dish Network, which is great news for people who love watching television and shooting things.

Remember "Baby Jessica," the little girl who fell into a well and nearly died? Well, she just turned 25 and got access to a trust fund set up for her with donations collected when she was in the well. Looks like she fell ass-backwards into money. Good for her!

In the snack food world, the Frito-Lay company made news this week when they announced their "food" products would be going "all natural." Someone must have told them that salt and oil are "natural." You know what else is natural? Diabetes and heart disease, but no one ever goes bragging about it.

Staying with the world of food and drink, Starbucks is set to unveil a new line of coffee machines that brew a single cup of coffee at a time. It's part of their new product line for painfully alone coffee-lovers.

In Qatar, organizers for the 2022 World Cup announced they're planning to build artificial, remote controlled clouds to provide shade for the games. Also, they're building special watering stations to re-hydrate anyone who has become parched from spitting on poor people.

In Los Angeles, police have closed another 60 medical marijuana dispensaries, thus making the drug completely unavailable to people who want it. History will show that's how we won the war on drugs.

Clothier and soft-core pornography studio Abercrombie & Fitch is under fire for offering a new children's bikini top with padding for flat-chested girls. The company issued a statement saying "we stand behind our product, and we believe it's never too young to encourage women to hate their bodies."

Lastly, in more clothing news, director/actor/orator Sylvester Stallone is moving into the fashion world with a new line of clothes inspired by the films of Rocky and Rambo. They're just like any other clothes, except they're covered in blood. Look for them at K-Mart this summer!

That's all for now, hope your time with us has been hilarious and utterly unproductive. Tell your friends, share us via the magic buttons below, and come see us again. But most importantly, have a wonderful day!