Thursday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2012

I was going to write this entirely in binary, but that's really tedious. And these jokes are tedious enough already. So, 0111001010011010101001011010101101010100011101001! Am I right?! Ladies know.

At a concert this week, Madonna exhorted her fans to support the "black Muslim" in the White House. She later defended her remarks by reminding reporters that she's very, very stupid.

Dame Helen Mirren recently received a special honor from the European Film Academy for her achievements in world cinema. The award statue, just like the Dame herself, is unchanged since the late 1970s.

Before?

After? If so, not by much.

Author J.K. Rowling said this week that she hasn't ruled out the possibility of writing another Harry Potter novel. In a related story, she also hasn't ruled out purchasing Hawaii.

In Hong Kong, a tycoon just posted a $65million bounty for any man who can "woo" his lesbian daughter away from her wife. Oh, has attempted prostitution ever been so hilarious?

A medical study published week found that castrated men live longer than other men, providing some of the most elegant evidence yet that God exists and his sense of humor is terrible.

The mayor of Phoenix spent a week living on a foodstamp budget, and ended up losing four pounds after just one week, which explains why so many poor people are so sexy.

Amid flagging sales, the CEO of Radio Shack just stepped down. His severance package included a lifetime supply of C-Cell batteries.

And finally, pork analysts are predicting a worldwide shortage of bacon this year. The suspected culprit: an unfortunate convergence of poorly constructed homes and blustery worlves! Just kidding, it's our fat asses.

That's it! Later, kiddos.