It's Thursday! Some stuff happened, and continues to happen. Let's make fun of it.
Many film fans were confused this week by the DVD packing for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is made to look like a burned disc. I'm thinking if you can't figure out the DVD packaging, you're probably going to have a hard time following the movie. Maybe try Twilight?
In Zimbabwe, six activists narrowly avoided jail time for inciting violence by talking about the Arab Spring. They were, unfortunately, convicted on separate charges of talking about Fight Club.
Huh, already have two David Fincher jokes. I wonder if I can make it to Se7en. Nope. Just three.
In Alaska, a broken toilet stranded a United Airlines flight for two days. Or, as United calls it, "a short layover."
Children in the UK will soon be able to play at Angry Birds activity parks popping up all over the country, because even children have data worth mining.
Users of the new iPad complain that the machine can heat up to 116 degrees, making it the most expensive heating pad you are ever likely to buy. Also, it's the year's hottest new blah blah blah stupid joke.
PayPal Here, a new service that allows people and stores to read credit cards with smart phones, has already signed up thousands of users. The main selling point is that you can put real human interaction back into identity theft.
Former actor Kirk Cameron went on "Fox and Friends" to defend his reputation yesterday against charges of homophobia and bullying. And let's be clear, he's not a bully. He's just a guy who doesn't understand the Bible.
And finally, in other religious news, one of Mexico's most brutal drug cartel pledged to hold off on any violence during Pope Benedict XVI's visit. Not sure if that's because they're afraid of him or not. But whatever the reason, can we get the Pope to move to Mexico?
Alright, that's it. More to come, whenever it does. Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label identity theft. Show all posts
Showing posts with label identity theft. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2011
Hey everybody! How was your weekend? Yeah, I hear that. Well, that's about as much banter as I can muster today. How about you read some jokes, and just imagine that I said something about my new boxers (yes, they're still amazing).
In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.
In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!
While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.
Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...
Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.
In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.
In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!
While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.
Big news in the middle east, this week, too. In Abu Dhabi, the founder of the Blackwater "security" company recently landed a contract with the government to raise and maintain an 800-man private army of foreign fighters, loyal only to the government. So, that's good news for democracy.
In "beautiful on the outside" news, it turns out a contender for this year's Miss USA title had to drop out after authorities charged her with three counts of identity theft. That's too bad, as I was really looking forward to her talent demonstration on how to fix your credit scores.
Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...
Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.
Lastly, have you all seen the advertisements around the country claiming the world will end this Saturday? Well, it turns out they're all from one retired subway engineer who spent his entire life savings to pay for the apocalyptic ads. But if the world is ending this weekend, then I don't understand why he didn't just pay for it all with his credit card. I know a way to fix that sort of thing.
Okay, I have no more jokes for you today. How about you come back tomorrow and see what we've got? In the meantime, you can tell your friends and amaze them with your coolness. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen.
Till then, have a great day!
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