Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Showing posts with label rolling stones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rolling stones. Show all posts
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 16, 2012
Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.
The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.
The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.
ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.
Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."
North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.
This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.
Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.
And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.
And that's all!
The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.
The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.
ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.
Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."
North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.
This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.
Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.
And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.
And that's all!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 6, 2012
Okay, here we go. Can you overdose on Vitamin C? I'm gonna find out. While I do that, enjoy these jokes!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
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