Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012

Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...

Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.

In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."


In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!

Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:

• Looks like pandas get headaches too!
• Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
• Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
• Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.

Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."

And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:

That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2012

Hey everybody! Anybody self-deported yet? I'm still not sure what that means. Anyway, here's some jokes.

The Disney theme parks are now allowing their park workers to have beards. I was under the impression that people working at the Disney parks had pretty well given up on the idea of having beards at all.

The Chicago Sun-Times announced it will no longer endorse political candidates. In response, readers will no longer pretend to care.

Representative Gabrielle Giffords resigned from Congress yesterday to focus on her rehabilitation. This could be a rough move for her, now that she won't have the Congressional health plan anymore.

British news agency ITV has come under fire for a program they produced on the IRA that actually contains footage recorded from a videogame. This comes on the heels of a similar embarrassing situation regarding a documentary on invaders from space.

In India, a government minister swore off shoes with laces after an embarrassing photo surfaced of his assistant tying his shoelaces for him in public. In a related story, he's also switching to bidets from now on.

Leaders of the Sikh community condemned Jay Leno this weekend. Good.

In Chicago, a group of teens boarded a bus and robbed the driver after first disabling the bus. Apparently they didn't want to wait another ten minutes for the bus to break down on its own.

And finally, filmmaker David Lynch said in an interview last week that he is now "obsessed" with coffee. So that's how you make it through Inland Empire.

Okay, that's the end! I've gotta go self deport now. Till tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 23, 2012

Anything happen this weekend?

Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.

At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."

Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.

Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.

In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.

Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.

And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.

And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 16

And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.

The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.

Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.

Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.

In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.

Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.

Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.

And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"

Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2012

What's happening in Chicago? Let's see.

It's been unseasonably warm in Chicago this winter, with temperatures routinely in the 50s. Of course, this has caused a rush on extra-strength deodorant and all manner of topical heat rash creams.

Speaking of sweaty messes, Walgreens is opening a new upscale location in downtown Chicago. It will feature 27,000 square feet of retail shopping space, a state-of-the-art clinic, groceries, fresh deli foods, and no more than one pharmacist on duty at any time.

In Springfield, Governor Quinn is taking on pension reform to boost Illinois' credit rating and make sure the state can support the level of graft and embezzlement the taxpayers have come to depend on.

In media news, WMAQ anchor Zoraida Sambolin is leaving for New York. And although she's selling her home, the departing anchor said that "Chicago will always be home," adding under her breath "for tax purposes." Rahm Emanuel has endorsed her move.

In Waukegan, a police officer fell into the lap of a suspect during a routine traffic stop when the suspect attempted to drive away. The officer finally stopped the car and arrested the man for improperly using the carpool lane. The officer was subsequently reprimanded for not wearing his seatbelt.

In other news, Metra sent an apology letter to commuters for delays at Union Station on Monday. As the letters were carried by cars, and not trains, they arrived on time.

In financial news, ShoreBank Corporation just filed for bankruptcy and changed their name to UnShoreBank. Come on, everyone loves a pun.

And finally, Mayor Emanuel accused the Municipal Employees Union of using Chicago libraries as "a bargaining chip" in ongoing contract negotiations, saying that the libraries should instead be used for downloading porn and providing showers to homeless people.

And that's it for now! More jokes tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day, and GO BLACKHAWKS!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!

After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?

In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.

Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.

In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.

Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!

That was gross. Sorry about that.

Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.

In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.

And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?

Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?

Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.

And have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2011

Welcome back. I'm starting to think that you've come here just for the jokes, and not to hear about my underpants. Is that true? Looks like I have some soul-searching to do. At least I'll be wearing a pair of super-comfortable Hanes Boxers while I do it. Okay, here's some jokes.

In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.

Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.

In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.

That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.

This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.

In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.

This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!

Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.

Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!