Ugh. Jokes now.
The captain of the Costa Concordia said yesterday that "I am clear with my conscience." It should be pointed out that his conscience is a worthless asshole.
Protesters in Egypt taunted Secretary of State Clinton recently with shouts of "Monica, Monica, Monica" before presumably going off to listen to Chumbawumba and watch Seinfeld.
North Korea's army chief was relieved of duty this week due to an undisclosed "illness." Some observers say it indicates a possible power struggle, but it's just as likely that the dude has scurvy. Seriously, those are some malnourished people.
In other world news, the United Nations found rampant corruption within the Somali government, which is actually great news, considering that in previous years Somalia's government was too weak to support graft and corruption.
In Oregon, gloves are no longer required for food service workers, thanks to the tireless lobbying of the diarrhea industry.
NBC's Today Show lost in the ratings again last week, even after the addition of new co-host Savanna Guthrie. Just to be safe, NBC fired Ann Curry again.
A passenger flying back from Europe on Delta airlines was served a turkey sandwich with sewing needles inside. The passenger was rightfully upset, as she had specifically ordered the vegetarian sewing needle option.
And finally, Microsoft is touting Office 2013's ability to fully integrate with popular programs like Yammer and Skype, promising to ruin them with greater efficiency than ever before.
Tell your friends.
Showing posts with label delta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label delta. Show all posts
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Here are some jokes.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 21, 2011
You ever have one of those days that turns out to be a Thursday? I think this is going to be one of those. Now, for jokes.
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
In Mumbai, the offices of two Bollywood starlets were raided by income tax enforcement agents. Witnesses described the raid as having a great beat, catchy vocals and amazing choreography.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Gwenyth Paltrow recently credited her costar Robert Downey, Jr. for teaching her how to convincingly play a drug addict. In response, Downey said "I do not remember that at all."
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