Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 20, 2012

Good Tuesday to you! Has your bracket exploded yet? What about some other sporty terms? Yeah, you know it! Okay, how about a joke or eight?

In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.

Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.

Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.

A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.

Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.

The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.

The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.

And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.

That's all! See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 1, 2011

How's your sugar hangover? A little hair of the pixie that bit ya would help. Keep the sugar flowing! Also flowing, some mad sick jokes, yo.

GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment recently. This could be because he patterned his behavior toward women after Leisure Suit Larry.

Comedian and television host Bill O'Reilly is writing two more books, just in case you were having trouble distinguishing which of your neighbors are douchebags.

There are now seven billion humans, which means that 7.71428571 × 10^-9 percent of the Earth read my blog yesterday! WAHOO!

Andrew Madoff, son of world-class asshole Bernie Madoff, said the week that he never once suspected his father of running a Ponzi scheme. In a related story, Andrew Madoff has been cheated on by every woman he's ever dated.

A new economic report found that the world is "on verge of a new recession." This report was issued by the Institute of Stuff We Knew a Year Ago.

During the eulogy for the late Steve Jobs, his sister said "death didn't happen to Steve, he achieved it." I've never been so happy to be an underachiever.

A Spanish village is divided over whether or not to keep the "Smurf" makeover it received as part of the international promotion for the recent Smurfs film. Half of the residents want to keep the Smurfiness, while the other half aren't socially awkward children from 1984.

And finally, Jackass "star" Bam Margera's Porsche was sidewsiped recently, doing significant damage to the sports car and shaking up Margera. This is an awesome story until you realize that Bam Margera has a Porsche, and (probably) not syphilis. So, that's one more point against Karma.

Okay, that's all for me today. If you celebrate it, have a happy (?) Day of the Dead. And if not, maybe go home and watch Day of the Dead. It's a pretty sweet little movie. Otherwise, I'll see you again tomorrow for more timely hijinks. Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 27, 2011

Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.

Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.

Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.

In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.

A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.

In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.

Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.

A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.

And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.

That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2011

Happy Kayobi to you, everyone. That's the Japanese word for "Tuesday," which literally translates to "fire day." Sounds more exciting than "Mexican pizza in the cafeteria day," doesn't it? Alright, that's enough learning. Let's get on with making fun of stuff and things.

Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"

In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.

In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.

In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.

In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.

Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.

Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.

And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."

And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2011

No banter today. Because I feel that it slows down the pace of the blog, and doesn't really add anything to the piece. It's just sort of there, like something you have to get through to get to the stuff you really wanted to see. The jokes, right? There's some of them here. And we'll get to them, but first I just wanted to reiterate how I felt about the banter, and how it is sometimes useless. I feel that banter is unnecessary in this day and age. Okay, let's have humor.

Plaxico Burress got out of prison yesterday. His right thigh has already applied for a restraining order.

Former Senator Rick Santorum announced he will be running for the GOP presidential nomination, which is awesome news for people who hate bigots and love the Google search engine. Santorum said he was "in it to win it," but I'd say his chances are pretty crappy. Seriously, Google this freak.

In political news, one of President Obama's nominees for the Federal Reserve, Nobel Laureate Peter Diamond, bowed out after facing stiff opposition from the GOP. Apparently there's a policy against hiring anyone who actually understands what the place is supposed to do. My gym is the same way.

Hey, have you heard about Lady Gaga? Her new album Born This Way was just banned from going on sale in Lebanon. Don't worry, you can still steal it on Limewire.

In France, television personalities will now cease mentioning Twitter or Facebook by name on the air, as it is considered to be an unfair advantage to those companies over smaller, startup social networking sites. Yep, that should even it up.

Speaking of staying even, Sarah Palin claims that she didn't mess up the history of Paul Revere in a recent interview. Of course, she's also claiming that she didn't mess up John McCain's 2008 campaign. So, there's that.

An auction this week brought in $200 for an old pair of Bernie Maddoff's underwear. The buyer was interested to see what kind of underpants you wear when you screw millions of people. Also, what he used to keep in that underwear just sold in prison for significantly less than $200.

And lastly, elder stateswoman of Hollywood Reese Witherspoon, went off on the new generation of starlets in Hollywood who use sex tapes and reality shows to get famous. She made this speech at the MTV Movie Awards, so good luck with that. In a follow up statement, she also demanded that all those kids get off her lawn. SHE'S OLD NOW!

Okay, that's it. See you on Wednesday! Remember your sunblock, friends, and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2011

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I've got some jokes for you.

In Libya, sources close to the robe-loving madman-in-chief confirm that Col. Gadhaffi has sent his "voluptuous, blond, Ukranian nurse" out of the country. I wonder if there was a Casablanca moment at the airstrip, when Gadhaffi said "if you don't get on that plane, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but definitely within a week, 'cause these guys are going to kill us all. Ten days, tops. Am I right? Yeah, we're gonna get executed. Seriously, you should go."

Afterward, Col. Gadhaffi responded to the violent revolt in his country by going on TMZ.com and demanding a raise. In Tunisia, the interim Prime Minister and members of the cabinet resigned, saying "come on, let's not kid ourselves."

In America, Justin Bieber got a haircut after someone told him he was starting to look like Justin Bieber. Some of his hair is being auctioned off on eBay, in what is clearly the beginning of an episode of To Catch a Predator: ALL GIRLS EDITION!

In "entertainment" news, the Oscars happened. In Berlin, a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi correctly picked every award-winner, except for Best Picture, which Heidi gave to 127 Hours. Really? 127 Hours as best picture? That is one dumbass opossum.

On the other hand, a cross-eyed opossum randomly picking the winners only differed from the Academy's "carefully considered" choices once. Once! Does that mean we can finally do away with all the voting and just let a hideous, filthy beast pick the winners? No, that wasn't a Bruce Vilanch joke.

A recently released FBI memo from 1961 indicates that Ted Kennedy attempted to rent out an entire brothel when he visited Chile, which is ridiculous because everyone knows it's so much cheaper in the long run to buy, not rent, especially for "high volume" customers. Please note: Charlie Sheen did not appear in this joke. But he probably would have been in that brothel.

In other news, 20 tons of mayonnaise spilled on a Missouri highway, halting traffic in what is being described as the tangiest travel delay in recorded history.

Lastly, Bernie Madoff called the government "a Ponzi scheme" in a recent interview and called financial reform "a joke." He immediately won several GOP Presidential straw polls. Suck it, Huckabee.

That's all for now. There will be more tomorrow, assuming today doesn't wind up dull. Share us on Twitter/Facebook/Buzz/Email, and send over a comment while you're at it. Any topics you want to suggest? Go crazy!