Friday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2013

The City of Las Vegas is getting a new "New York" style park. The park is conceived of as a way to bring residents out into a public space in the same way that parks in New York City do, becoming a central hub for communities. In order to replicate the success of NYC, Las Vegas will be importing authentic NYC homeless people, pot-dealing university students, and used condoms.

In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.

Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.

Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.

A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.

Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.

Probably a Justin Bieber song.

Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!

A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.

Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.

And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.

That's all. Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 16, 2012

Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.

The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.

The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.

ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.

Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."

North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.

This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.

Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.

And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.

And that's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012

Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.

Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.

Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."

Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.

A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.

YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.

NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?

Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.

And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!

Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.

Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012

Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.

A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.

In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.

The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.

NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.

Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."

President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.

A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.

And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.

C'est fini!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012

Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...

Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.

In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."


In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!

Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:

• Looks like pandas get headaches too!
• Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
• Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
• Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.

Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."

And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:

That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 4, 2011

Welcome to Wednesday, the day that's spelled like it doesn't sound. What a dumb day. Let's pretend it's Whensday. That sounds better, right? Oh, who cares. We've got jokes!

In political news, Rick Santorum formed a Presidential exploratory committee for 2012. Already they've determined his biggest obstacle will be overcoming the fact that he's a total tool.

In other shitty idea news, Jerry Spring announced he's going to take on Donald Trump and run for President. Someone needs to explain to both of these guys the pay cut they're in for. Oh, and also that they're both horribly unqualified for the job.

On Broadway, the new musical from Matt Stone and Trey Parker, The Book of Mormon, leads this season's Tony Awards with 14 nominations for songs which can never be played on network television. Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, despite not officially opening, picked up special nominations for most dangerous play and stupidest name.

Archaeologists and astronomers reported this week that the Mayan calendar, and its "prediction" of an impending apocalypse, may be off by 50 years or more. Also, it may be completely made up.

In California, former comedian Andy Dick got arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a Marie Calendar restaurant in a clear sign his career isn't completely over. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

In Washington, a statue of President Gerald Ford was unveiled at the Capitol building. It promptly fell over. We miss you, Gerry.

In other political news, Prince Charles in in America on and official visit, for some reason. He's not getting married, so no one really cares.

And lastly, YouTube is preparing to offer premium movie rentals, which will face stiff competition from the pirated versions that have already been uploaded.

That's all. Hope you enjoyed it! Tell your friends, and come see us again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011

Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?

Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.

In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.

A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.

In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.

In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.

In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.

In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.

Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.

Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.