It's Wednesday, the day named for weddings. Which now never occur on Wednesdays, making it the most ironic day of the week. Take that, Brooklynsday. You don't believe me? Check it on Wikipedia. Oh, you can't? What a shame. You'll just have to believe me. And read these jokes.
Mitt Romney said yesterday that he pays about a 15% tax rate, or as he calls it, "A Ron Paul." Because Ron Paul is polling at 15% right now. And Mitt Romney's taxes are a joke. Just not a good one.
Speaking of not a good one, Paris Hilton has a second album coming out this year. That's two albums.
Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson just endorsed a new nut-based diet. She says it is way better than old-man-penis diet.
Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang is resigning, looking forward to getting a Gmail account.
In New Jersey, a woman gave birth to child on the PATH train. Congratulations, kid. Everything in your life will be a step up from here.
Kim Jong Un's older half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, said this week that the new North Korean regime won't last long. "Four, five decades, tops."
In Nepal, a police department is under investigation for running a butcher shop out of their precinct. Do I smell a wacky sitcom? No, that's just cat.
And finally, Tim Tebow will be starting next season for the Denver Broncos. Too bad he's not praying for a cure for cancer.
Fin. Until tomorrow! And until then, have a great f#&@ing day!
Showing posts with label paris hilton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paris hilton. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 25, 2001
One word: jokes.
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 31, 2011
Let's see what happened in the last 24 hours that we can make fun of.
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
The animal rights group PETA recently announced a contest to give away a free vasectomy to a human. Unfortunately, you can't nominate other people for the prize. You win this round, Larry King.
This year has so far seen a boom in the number of documentaries coming from the Peoples Republic of China. At least we think they're documentaries. It's hard to tell with all the audio bleeped out and black bars over every shot.
Unlikely celebrity Paris Hilton recently said in an interview "I'm no diva." That's true. Divas can sing.
In Las Vegas, hotel and casino promoters are embracing the city's mob roots with special attractions and theme restaurants recalling the fashion and spirit of the city's sordid past. Are you listening, Berlin?
Former Senator and human rights advocate Rick Santorum said that his daughter's health will be a large factor in his decision to whether to run for president. Another big factor? Try to Google him.
Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner said in an interview recently that he is unwilling to increase the amount of product placement in the popular cable series. Did he forget to mention it's about an advertising agency? One thing they're not selling: self-awareness.
In New Jersey, a woman is suing her plastic surgeon after her last surgery left her unable to close her eyes. What's even worse? She's still got crows' feet.
In Chicago a pool hall was cited for serving a beer to a 12 year old. Also, he ordered a draft and got a can. That's just wrong.
And that's just it for me this week! Spread the word, and come back for Friday's with Spencer and Earnest's Weekend Monologue on Sunday. Saturday you can sleep in.
Have a great day!
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