Sunday, December 23, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - December 24, 2012

Express Scrips, one of the nation's largest pharmaceutical providers, is now covering the Vivus anti-obesity pill. Still not covered: diet and exercise.

Darden Restaurants, home to Olive Garden and Red Lobster, saw profits fall 37% in the wake of bad publicity from their attempts to circumvent the Affordable Care Act for their employees. Management has changed their policy as a result, and is looking forward to customers getting back to hating them for their awful food, instead of their politics.

The anti-totalitarian film V for Vendetta aired in China recently, stunning audiences who werenr't prepared for Natalie Portman's bald head.

Tagg Romney said this weekend that his father Mitt never really wanted to be President. So in one way at least, Mitt is just like regular Americans.

Members of the U.S. Senate said that torture scenes in the new film Zero Dark Thirty were misleading and inaccurate. They also said that the whole back-breaking scene in The Dark Knight Rises was totally wrong, too.

Google is scanning the Dead Sea Scrolls and making them available online. So now you can look forward to Internet trolls criticizing their grammar.

Two bank robbers escaped from jail in Chicago in a break almost identical to a 1985 escape from the same jail. So now you can add plagiarism to their rap sheets.

And finally, authorities have made arrests and are pressing charges against a group of Canadian criminals accused of stealing $18 million worth of maple syrup. And yes, they plan to make the charges stick.

Okay, that's all!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2012

In entertainment news, rumors are flying that NBC plans to hand over the Tonight Show to Jimmy Fallon in 2014, following the end of Jay Leno's contract. So, look for Fallon to be launching his basic cable show in the spring of 2015.

The UK renamed a portion of Antarctica for Queen Elizabeth. For her part, the Queen thanked Parliament for renaming a cold, barren wasteland in her honor, saying "at least it's not Manchester."

Hanbro will begin selling its Easy Bake Oven in gender-neutral colors, so that boys and girls both can be disappointed by how lame it is.

A new study found that most Pakistani lawmakers do not file taxes. In a related story, Mitt Romney is establishing Pakistani residency before their next presidential election season.

Monks in Missouri have become famous for baking and selling fruitcakes to support their solitary existence, proving that if you want people to avoid you, make a fruitcake.

LA Clippers' star Chris Paul will be starring in a new series of insurance commercials for State Farm. The campaign promises that State Farm can handle any calamity, even being traded to the Clippers.

In New York, the head of the MTA is resigning to run for Mayor. He plans to run his campaign like the MTA: over budget, filthy and with unannounced suspensions.

And finally, Asian stocks rebounded after news of U.S. fiscal cliff negotiations, leading to speculation that sarcasm doesn't translate.

That's it.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - December 16, 2012

Last week actor and activist Sean Penn said that Port-au-Prince, Haiti, was like Detroit, Michigan. It's not yet clear which city he was attempting to insult.

A woman was arrested in Spain for smuggling cocaine into the country hidden in her breasts. Customs officials became suspicious when they noticed her nipples kept sniffling and wouldn't stop talking.

Google revealed the three most searched for topics on the Internet in 2012 were "Whitney Houston" "Psy" and "Why are we losing to China?"

In Ohio, a hospital is resuming organ transplant surgeries after accidentally throwing a donor kidney in the trash. Understandably, patients are a little wary. You know, because of that old saying, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, oh wait, you can't, because I died from organ failure after you fooled me the first time."

Doctors in Venezuela said that President Chavez faces a tough road to recovery after his latest cancer treatment. Coincidentally, a "tough road to recovery" is what Venezuelans are looking forward to after Chavez' death.

The French Prime Minister said French actor Gerard Depardiue's decision to leave France to avoid higher taxes was "shabby." Coincidentally, "shabby" is the nicest thing said about any film he's made in the last five years.

TripAdvisor just released a rundown of the friendliest cities in the world. Topping the list was Cancun, probably due in large part to their new tourism ad campaign "Cancun: HANDJOBS FOR EVERYONE!"

And finally, President Obama and Speaker Boehner appear to have made progress in their negotiations about the impending fiscal cliff. Good news for them, as the next round of negotiations were set to take place at the Thunderdome, with mediation overseen by THE NIGHT RIDER!

That's it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 6, 2012

New study finds that Broadway is powered mainly by money from tourists, which explains the enduring success of FANNYPACK: The Musical.

This is true. The House of Representatives voted through legislation to remove the word "lunatic" from all federal law. It will be replaced with "Perot."

Yikes, I am getting old.

Doctors studying hockey injuries found that giving players better training reduces the rate of injury, but not as much as changing the rules of the game to reduce contact. Of course, the best way to reduce hockey injuries is to have a labor dispute.

The Pentagon is working on a new technology to make troops invisible. It works by bringing them back from Afghanistan, denying mental healthcare and making them live on the streets. Yep, once that happens, no one will look at them again.

Speaking of troops, medical research indicates that a form of Ecstasy may help veterans with PTSD. That study was conducted by Dr. Fre3ekstar, MD DJ.

British grocery giant Tesco announced they lost $1.6billion on a failed attempt to enter the U.S. market. Their big mistake was trying to sell British food.

Rihanna is launching a competitive fashion show. She had been working on a relationship show, but... Also, the contestants do make up.

And finally, an 18th century French chateau in Bordeaux was accidentally bulldozed recently. The responsible company apologized for the mistake, saying they originally intended to burn it down.

End!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2012

The Chi Omega sorority at Penn State caused some trouble after posting some racist photos online. Said a university spokesman "they're all over 18, right? Oh, good."

Chinese telecom firm Huawei issued a statement to several senators concerned about the company expanding into the U.S., saying "we are not a threat to American security." The senators responded by saying "but, how did you know we...?"

NASA plans to send another rover to Mars, which can only mean one thing: Martian robot racing league.

GOP senators blocked the U.S. from ratifying a U.N. treaty upholding the rights of disabled persons. So now we're back at war with the disabled.

At a school in New Jersey, students became ill after drinking a "relaxation drink" named after Bob Marley. Said the maker of the drink "wait, you mean someone's actually drinking this?"

Anderson Cooper was temporarily blinded recently, leaving him unable to gaze upon his own face.

French men are not producing as much sperm as other European men, according to a recent medical study, which is great news for naive American exchange students who don't want a baby right now.

And finally, Karl Rove has been taken off the air at FOX News. Good thing our country has such great unemployment benefits.

And that's the end.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 4, 2012

The tax-evasion trial began yesterday for fashion design firm Dolce & Gabbana. They're expected to fill next season with some truly gorgeous penalty fees.

J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.

The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.

Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.

It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"

A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.

Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.

A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.

And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.

That's all!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - December 3, 2012

The Syrian government shut off the Internet last week, so in addition to enduring a repressive government crackdown, they also had to get by with only the porn they had saved to their hard drives.

Stand up desks are becoming more popular with office workers, who have learned to sleep standing up.

The Palestinian President returned home from his recent trip to the U.N. where the nation achieved increased  recognition and support from the international community. But people were super-excited once they found out he brought back a bunch of toilet paper with him.

Because they can't get stuff in Palestine.

In Russia, a massive traffic jam stretched out 125 miles. Because Russians love waiting in line, right?

Shakira's former boyfriend is suing her for $100million, claiming that he is responsible for making her an international star. Apparently he never saw her ass.

Nintendo Power magazine is ending after 24 years. But you can continue by pressing A+B+B+A on your controller.

And finally, North Korea plans missile launch for South Korean elections. This missile is a real breakthrough for North Korea, as it actually screams "HEY, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" as it enters the upper atmosphere.

That's it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012

In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.

In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.

Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.

In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.

The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.

In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.

In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.

And that's the end.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2012

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice met with Senate Republicans today in an attempt to defuse concerns they have about her potential appointment as Secretary of State. The Senators came out of the closed-door meeting more disturbed than before. What could have been discussed? Rumored topics include:
  • Upcoming plotlines for American Horror Story
  • Demographic trends in American swing-states
  • The contents of Twinkie filling
  • Gay dudes
  • Grover Norquist's surprise birthday party
  • Popular modern music
  • My Little Pony fanfic
  • The fact that people may have absorbed their own twin in the uterus, and that fetus may still be stuck inside their body somewhere. Sweet dreams!


Monday, November 26, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 27, 2012

A Scottish study found that having more friends on Facebook led to more stress. "Scotland: Home of the Downer."

U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.

It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.

Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.

In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.

Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.

Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.

And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.

End.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012

TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.

Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.

It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.

Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.

China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.

Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?

Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.

And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.

Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 20, 2012

Bad news in Afghanistan. The opium harvest is down by a third. Farmers would be more upset, but they still have two thirds of the opium, so...

They're getting high.

XBOX Live is offering new a la carte karaoke songs this holiday season, just in case you thought you might have a pleasant evening.

The Church of England ruled against accepting female bishops yesterday. It's a tough break for the makers of cassock skirts.

Look it up.

A new report on climate change revealed that if you're 27 or younger, you've never lived through a colder than average month. You've also probably never watched a Steven Spielberg movie without irony.

Firefox adds Facebook integration to its new browser, because screw productivity.

We need to make a correction to earlier piece about Rep. Allan West (R-FL) conceding his House race, being a great big huge douchebag loser, and generally being the type of man who tries to make out with farm animals. We were incorrect. His first name is actually spelled "Allen." Our apologies.

Medical research indicates that there's no increase in heart disease for people who survive e. coli food poisoning, probably because they've puked their hearts out.

And lastly, the NTSB just ditched the BlackBerry smartphone because it has been "failing both at inopportune times and at an unacceptable rate." They've decided to go with the iPhone, because it fails at an acceptable rate. Good to know that the NTSB is using Apple's new Maps application.

Might I suggest you stay home this holiday season?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 20, 2012

Dictionary.com just named "bluster" the word of the year for 2012, but only because they're too classy to go with "bullshit."

Teens are increasingly using protein shakes to bulk up, a recent study found. At least they've stopped drinking Zima.

Hack group Anonymous declared cyber war on Israel this week, which is terrible news for Israel's World of Warcraft characters.

Credit rating dickheads Moody's just lowered France's credit rating from Aaa to Aa1. But that credit score can be fixed with "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start."

Scientists have found evidence that great apes go through midlife crisis, like humans, which would explain the thriving market for ape toupes.

At the urging of a Judge presiding over the bankruptcy of Hostess, management and the Bakers Union agreed to enter into mediation. "So close," said a spokesman for the American Medical Association.

NHL management and the players union are talking again for first time in eight days, mainly to remind people that they're still there.

And finally, an appeals court rejected Hobby Lobby's claim to an exemption for providing contraceptive insurance. Apparently, selling a wicker-based do-it-yourself IUD does not count as an adequate alternative.

That's it!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012

Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.

President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.

A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.

San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.

The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.

Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.

Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.

And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.

That's it!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2012

Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.

United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.

eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.

In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.

Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.

New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.

A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.

And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.

That's it! See you next week!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2012

CEO of Waffle House, Joe W. Rogers, Jr., said that he's been blackmailed over an affair with his maid, and that he's a victim of his own stupidity. That also describes the typical Waffle House patron.

Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.

In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.

In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."

Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.

In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.

Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.

And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...

That's all, yolks.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2012

How's your mustache? Hope it's free of mustard and musty mildew.

Paul Ryan blamed high voter turnout in "urban" areas for President Obama's victory last week. He then clarified his remarks by saying "oh, and 'urban' means 'black,' in case you didn't get that."

BlackBerry announced that the new BlackBerry 10 will be in stores early next year. And it will stay there. For years. Because no one wants to buy it.

In New Zealand, a man was arrested for plotting to throw horse manure on Prince Charles and his wife Camilla. Royal body guards were visibly relieved, because no one wants to jump in front of that kind of attack.

Online game company Zynga is shuffling around its leadership in an attempt to keep the company afloat. Meanwhile, designers are hard at work on their upcoming releases "Resume-Ville" and "Unemployment Office Defense."

In sports, Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethilsberger was labeled as "questionable" by team doctors due to an arm injury. Fortunately for Ben, it's not his rapin' arm.

Stars of The Jersey Shore are trying to raise funds to rebuild the coastline, apparently unaware that all they have to do put the shore back on track is to leave and never return.

Los Angeles is mulling over instituting "meatless Mondays" within the city limits. No word yet on how that would impact the porn industry.

A young California woman searching for a cell phone signal wandered into a rattlesnake nest, and was bit six times. She survived, which makes us wonder which is weaker out in the desert: cell phone coverage or rattlesnake venom? No punchline there. We need to organize some science.

And finally, a study found that Latin American women make less than Latin American men. Good to see that the U.S. is still inspiring other nations.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 6, 2012

Hi all. Rather than normal jokes, I've culled a series of thoughtful bits of political discourse from my Twitter feed. Now go vote (Obama/Biden, that is).

I'm an undecided voter. Also, I'm not sure if this hole in the ground is my ass or not.

BTW, Romney cares more about his horse than he does about rising sea levels. And he doesn't care about that horse AT ALL.
That awkward moment when Mitt Romney realizes his campaign hats were made in China, but he could have gotten them cheaper from Indonesia.

Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"

Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.

I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.

FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.

I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.

What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?

Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."

Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.
Thanks to Ohio voters, we can be sure that LeBron James will never be President.

This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.

Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.

If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.

Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.

Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?

John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.
I want to know what kind of calculator Nate Silver uses. I bet it's a special TI-85, where all the buttons lean to the left.

Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.
Telling everyone to vote is like telling everyone they should be parents. Some people just aren't ready yet. Get informed first.

That's all. Cheers!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - November 5, 2012

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]

So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.

Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.

China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.

The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.

In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.

George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.

No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.

Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.

And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 25, 2012

Bad news for Egypt, as the unemployment rate is skyrocketing. But don't worry, Romney has a secret plan.

Nintendo slashed its profit forecast for the year, as there have been way fewer coin-filled bricks than expected.

Game company Zynga made massive staff cuts recently, and that's why now hundreds of programmers have taken to the streets with signs saying "will annoy the crap out of you online for food."

Bobby Brown was arrested for DUI recently because he was driving. Said Brown, "my one mistake was forgetting that I'm Bobby Brown."

Warren Buffett says the U.S. economy is improving. Jimmy Buffett says that things are dire in Margaritaville, but that, of course, it's his own damn fault.

A medical study found that people are more likely to do CPR in affluent neighborhoods than poor neighborhoods, mainly because poor people taste bad.

And lastly, NFL referees will be officiating with pink penalty flags for breast cancer awareness. Although referees being aware of anything would be an improvement.

Zing!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2012

Let's get serious. Right after this.

In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.

Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.

In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.

Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.

In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.

Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.

And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.

Serious it up, yo!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 23, 2012

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKES!

Actress Kelly Preston just turned 50 years old and said said of the milestone "I feel like I'm 25!" She then went on to say that she was a very tired, used-up 25.

Server problems took Reddit.com offline for hours yesterday, forcing thousands of users to express their endless hate in person.

Gynecologists now say that women can wait longer between Pap tests. Also, they're getting tired of looking at so many vaginas.

The Syrian government said yesterday that sanctions are hurting children in Syria. Also hurting children in Syria: the Syrian government.

Biologists reported that a male beluga whale was heard mimicked human speech in pitch and cadence. You know, like Mitt Romney does.

Also, the marine biologists who overheard the whale suspect it may have been mocking them. Because even a beluga whale could tell they sucked.

Kathie Lee Gifford recently dropped a puppy on the air when she realized the puppy was not full of wine.

Google reported that "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is more commonly searched than "Paul Ryan budget plan" because everyone knows that budget plans have terrible muscle definition.

And finally, an Atlanta paper company was charged with scheming to avoid taxes through bribes and falsifying records. Unfortunately for them, they were caught because they left a paper trail.

No more!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - October 22, 2012

Tonight is the third and final Presidential debate. What should you be on the lookout for?

* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.

And that's it!

See you tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2012

BIG NEWS! Lance Armstrong is stepping down from his cancer charity, due to his alleged doping. It's a real missed opportunity, though, for Armstrong to spread the word about how effective steroids are against cancer.

Lance Armstrong is set to lose around $30 million dollars in sponsors, because of his doping history. However, he will still be sponsored by raisins, because of his doping history.

Because steroids shrank his nut.

In Florida, a man was charged with smuggling dinosaur bones into the country. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have packed them in cocaine.

The FBI arrested a man for plotting to blow up the Federal Reserve yesterday. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with how slowly the Fed was destroying itself.

New York Yankees short stop Derek Jeter is set to recover from ankle surgery for five months. He won't be able to play, but he will still be able to spread herpes.

In Japan, there's a new trend called "cuddle bars." People pay money to nap with others, but be careful if anyone offers you a "tip."

It's a penis tip.

Vice President Biden was campaigning in Colorado yesterday, urging voters to vote now because, in his words, "you never know what crazy shit I might say before election day."

And finally, Forbes Magazine ranked Ashton Kutcher as the highest paid television actor in their recent "What's Wrong With America" issue.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2012

Anybody see anything interesting on television last night?

In Cuba, the government is relaxing its travel policy, and will no longer require citizens to obtain an exit visa before leaving. They will be asked, however, to please not defect. No, seriously you guys. No defecting, okay?

Car battery company A123 is entering bankruptcy proceedings. Because they need a little jump start. Oh, that's terrible.

Beyonce will be providing halftime entertainment at this year's Super Bowl, and she said yesterday that she's ready for the big night. So, Beyonce, unlike the Cowboys' defensive line, is ready to play in the Super Bowl.

I made a sports joke!!!!!

Speaking of jokes, Rep. Paul Ryan recently paid a visit to an Ohio soup kitchen after everyone had been fed, left, and the serving hall had been completely cleaned, but still took photos of himself cleaning dishes that were already washed. Shows up late, does unnecessary work, then crows about it? Paul Ryan, are you sure you're not in a union?

In China, Foxconn said they found underage interns working in their factory. The interns have since been fired, and now workers have to get their own coffee.

Just kidding. They don't get any coffee.

In England, letters from Prince Charles to members of government will be kept secret, it was announced.
Probably for the better, as they're likely just more rambling from him about how he'd like to be a tampon.

Hulk Hogan is suing his his friend and a gossip website over the leaking of his sex tape on the Internet. Also suing: anyone who watched the tape.

And finally, Mattel profits soared this quarter on the strength of worthless pieces of plastic. Just like Citibank.

And that's it!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 16, 2012

Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.

The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.

The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.

ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.

Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."

North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.

This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.

Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.

And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.

And that's all!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012



Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!

American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.

In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.

Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.

Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.

In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.

In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.

In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."

Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.

And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.

Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012

Three... two... one... two... three. GO!

Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.

In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.

In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.

Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.

Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.

A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."

Here's hoping, Jerry.

Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.

A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.

And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.

Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 9, 2012

Just kidding! Or, I will be in about one more sentence. Yeah, that sounds right.

Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.

Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.

In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.

Museum joke!

Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.

British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.

Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.

Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.

Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.

And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.

Okay, now I'm serious.

BYE!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2012

Happy times, my friends. Did you hear that Hugo Chavez was "re-elected" as "President" of Venezuela? Let's look back on the last 13 years of his rule.

1999 - Upon election, decrees that all opposition parties will be outlawed unless they agree to party "like it's 1999."

2000 - Accidentally says something completely insane in an interview, decides he likes the way it feels.

2001 - Develops a deep and abiding animosity toward George W. Bush over a particularly heated game of Monopoly.

2003 - Citing artistic differences, leaves his role as a judge on Venezuelan Idol.

2005 - Admits he doesn't entirely understand socialism.

2006 - Beginning his third term, President Chavez takes the oath of office while making air quotes.

2009 - On George W. Bush's last day in office, succeeds in leaving a flaming bag of dog poop at the South Portico of the White House.

2012 - Refuses to enact strict voter ID laws to suppress opposition voting because, in his words, "what am I, an asshole?"

And that's the end! What will the next 13 years bring? Here's hoping they bring nothing.

Chavez sucks.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012

Fire the jokes!

Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.

A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.

At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.

The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.

In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.

Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.

In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."

And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?

CAN YOU!?

Later.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 3, 2012

Funny business found below:

Mobile phone giant T-Mobile is buying MetroPCS, because apparently its easier to purchase an entire company than it is to get an iPhone.

Hallmark is closing its Topeka, Kansas plant, and laying off 300 workers. Thankfully, there's a card for that. Sadly, they don't make them anymore.

In Germany, police are cracking down on Hells Angels members. Apparently something about big, leather-clad dudes wearing Swastikas and storming around the countryside was making them nervous.

Also in Germany, 3.6 million visitors flocked to Oktoberfest this month. No word yet on the final vomit numbers.

Speaking of Teutons, Arnold Schwarzenegger said in his new memoir that he is an "expert at living in denial." Not sure if that meant he ignored his family or what he did to California. Either way.

There's a new contender in the New York City 2013 mayor's race: Kool-Aid Man.

Because of the sugary drink law.

In Florida, a new company is renting out alligators for children's pool parties. The name of that company: Impending Horror, LLC.

And finally, New Zealand cancelled Mike Tyson's visa after it was revealed that he was Mike Tyson.

Funny business found above:

Monday, October 1, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 2, 2012

Let's make this fast and weird.

Anyone following the Iranian financial markets? What a roller coaster! The rial fell 18% on Monday, to a new record low against the U.S. dollar. Iranian analysts are blaming the country's currency problems on a combination of fluctuating oil prices, increased sanctions and Jews.

In Missouri, Rep. Todd Akin said this week that employers should be allowed to pay women less than men. He then went on to say, "no, I've never heard of the 19th amendment."

But if he's serious about cutting spending, shouldn't Congress be 100% women? We'd save a fortune in salaries.

A new safety report found that Amtrak employees are failing drug tests more often than in previous years, which must mean that Amtrak employees got a raise.

The NHL lockout is still continuing, in case you were wondering.

The Compact Disc turned 30 years old this week. Incidentally, 30 years old is the youngest age of anyone who still buys CDs.

A recent medical study found that children's cognitive development may be harmed by exposure to "secondhand" television. Especially if it's Whitney.

Hotel Transylvania opened at number one in the American box office this weekend, bringing in $43 million and proving that American's can't be trusted with money.

And finally, Kodak announced it will no longer be selling inkjet printers. Instead, they'll be focusing on products that don't irritate the shit out of people.

That's all!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2012

I was going to write this entirely in binary, but that's really tedious. And these jokes are tedious enough already. So, 0111001010011010101001011010101101010100011101001! Am I right?! Ladies know.

At a concert this week, Madonna exhorted her fans to support the "black Muslim" in the White House. She later defended her remarks by reminding reporters that she's very, very stupid.

Dame Helen Mirren recently received a special honor from the European Film Academy for her achievements in world cinema. The award statue, just like the Dame herself, is unchanged since the late 1970s.

Before?
After? If so, not by much.
Author J.K. Rowling said this week that she hasn't ruled out the possibility of writing another Harry Potter novel. In a related story, she also hasn't ruled out purchasing Hawaii.

In Hong Kong, a tycoon just posted a $65million bounty for any man who can "woo" his lesbian daughter away from her wife. Oh, has attempted prostitution ever been so hilarious?

A medical study published week found that castrated men live longer than other men, providing some of the most elegant evidence yet that God exists and his sense of humor is terrible.

The mayor of Phoenix spent a week living on a foodstamp budget, and ended up losing four pounds after just one week, which explains why so many poor people are so sexy.

Amid flagging sales, the CEO of Radio Shack just stepped down. His severance package included a lifetime supply of C-Cell batteries.

And finally, pork analysts are predicting a worldwide shortage of bacon this year. The suspected culprit: an unfortunate convergence of poorly constructed homes and blustery worlves! Just kidding, it's our fat asses.

That's it! Later, kiddos.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2012

Good day, friends. Let's make light of it all.

Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.

No one wants to see that.

Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.

The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.

There you go.

In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."

That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...

Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.

In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.

In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.

And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.

THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 25, 2012

Welcome back! Anything happen at the Emmy's? No? Okay, moving on.

In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.

Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.

Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.

Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.

Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.

The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.

Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.

And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.

Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 20, 2012

<jokes=autoplay yes>

Yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, and Krispy Kreme Donuts celebrated by giving free donuts to anyone who came into the store and talked like a pirate. So, congratulations, Krispy Kreme employees, on what was most definitely a day that wasn't annoying as Hell.

Chick-Fil-A announced it will no longer be donating to anti-gay groups, as they finally realized how hypocritical it was for them to denounce people for loving cock.

Cock is a male chicken.

Archaeologists believe they may have found an ancient scrap of papyrus in which Jesus refers to his wife. Although it is possible that He was just setting up the earliest mother-in-law joke on record.

Two BATF officials have stepped down over their handling of the "Fast and Furious" investigation. Ironically, no one has yet to be fired over the original Fast and Furious.

Congress united yesterday to pay tribute to Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi. Said one member of Congress, "it's weird to see someone that dedicated to democracy."

In Chicago, the teachers union has reached a tentative agreement to end the strike and get teachers back to work. The mayor is pleased, union officials are pleased, but no one is happier than the members of the Bully Union.

Olympic snowboarder Shaun White was arrested recently for vandalism in a hotel lobby. The arrest was ovreturned, however, when he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

And finally, Edvard Munch's classic work, "The Scream" is coming to New York's Museum of Modern Art. While on display in New York, it will be re-titled "What the Hell are You Lookin' At?"

</jokes>

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2012

This week, Gov. Mitt Romney came under fire for some things he said in a video secretly recorded during a fundraising dinner in Florida back in May. In the video he said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims and won't ever take responsibility for their own lives. What else is on that video?

1. Romney began his speech by saying he "in no way" wants to be President of the United States.

2. He spent a significant amount of time attempting to prove how Scientology is quantifiably weirder than Mormonism.

3. At no fewer than four moments, used the phrase "But wait! There's more!"

4. Said that should he be elected President, he looks forward to working with Congress, except for Senator Tom Carper (D-DE). He knows why.

5. Promised to outlaw clowns.

6. Retroactively blamed the host's dog for an audible fart.

7. Reminded the audience several times that he does not believe a word he says.

8. Admitted he doesn't really care for the Olympic games.

There. You just saved yourself $50,000.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 18, 2012

Let's make jokes to deal with our feelings of frustration and helplessness at the modern problems we are beset by. Joy!

Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.

In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.

Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.

Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.

Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.

In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.

Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.

Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."

And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.

That's the end.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - September 17, 2012

Good morning, y'all.

In Greece, two video game makers were arrested on spying charges after taking photographs of military installations. They're now planning to turn the experience into a new game, "Extreme Waterboarding 3D."

In Zimbabwe, a Swiss tourist was fined for insulting President Mugabe. Jeffrey Ross has cancelled his tour.

In television news, Dr. Phil recently called Dina Lohan "phony" before also telling her she was balding, had a stupid moustache and her medical credentials were dubious at best.

The NHL lockout deadline passed this weekend with no deal, leaving at least a dozen fans distraught.

In England, the royal family is taking to the courts to try and stop the spread of topless photos of Kate Middleton because that's how the Internet works.

In China, anti-Japanese protests are spreading across the country. Damn, even their bigotry is more efficient than ours.

In better news, poverty level dropped slightly last month. Gov. Romney congratulated the newly not poor on finally earning their first million dollar paychecks.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America came under fire this week when the Los Angeles Times reported the organization has helped hide the presence of child molesters in the organization since 1903. The first clue: the Help Hide A Pedophile merit badge.

We are at an end. Till tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2012

Happy time big joke fun funny!

NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.

The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.

Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!

Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.

For shame, YouTube.

Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.

Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.

The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.

And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.

Oof. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 12, 2012

Apologies in advance for this. If you are easily offended, this will probably offend you. If you have the sensibilities of a 13 year-old boy,  you will probably enjoy this immensely. Read on, MacDuff.

Ice cream purveyors Ben & Jerry's are suing a porn studio for making movies with titles based on Ben & Jerry's flavors. They claim the studio is turning their "wholesome" product into something more "holesome." Do they have a case? Let's review the evidence.

Original: Banana Split

Porn: Banana Split Your Pants

Original: Even Steven
Porn: Even Steven (Gets Some)


Original: Boston Cream Pie
Porn: Cream Pie Boston

Original: Brownie Batter
Porn: Brown Eye Batter

Original: Cherry Garcia
Porn: Cherry Garcia Bangs Groupies

Original: Chubby Hubby
Porn: Hubby's Chubby

Original: Imagine Whirled Peace

Porn: Imagine Whirled Piece of Ass

Original: Triple Caramel Chunk

Porn: Triple Caramel Chunk Threeway

You decide. Personally, I don't think they have a leg to stand on. Probably because that leg is up around their ears while... never mind.

See you tomorrow!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 11, 2012

I forgot to post this morning. Sorry about that. Enjoy this well-aged humor.

In iPhone rumor news, there are unconfirmed reports that Foxconn is using forced labor to make the new iPhone 5. Even worse, they're suspected of forcing the laborers to sign two-year contracts with AT&T.

In other Chinese news, the central government pledged to increase consumer spending to bolster the domestic economy. They're instituting a new "One Savings Account" per family rule.

This week, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte will be honored with other Latino athletes at the ALMA awards. And next week, he'll be honored at the annual Douche Banquet.

Speaking of Latin culture, it's becoming extremely popular among Japanese youth, who are redefining the idea of East L.A.

In business news, Sharp just mortgaged its building to generate cash needed to stay in business. This is bad news for investors, but good news for you if you happen to land on one of their hotels.

Rocker Melissa Etheridge will soon be releasing her twelfth studio album, although she said she's really more interested in a box set.

Computer game maker Zynga is hoping for a big hit with their new Farmville 2. It's just like Farmville 1, except now there's a drought. Wait, no, that's America.

And finally, South Africa's Zulu King Zwelithini's said this week that his sixth wife "needs a palace." Just like a woman. AMIRITE, FELLAS!? This king knows what I'm talking about.

Okey dokey. More tomorrow, friends!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012

Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.

Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.

Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.

Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.

Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.

Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!

The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.

Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.

And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."

That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 4, 2012

Welcome back! Hope you had an awesome day off. No banter today, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you see it.

Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.

A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.

In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.

A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.

The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.

On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.

A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.

Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.

And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.

Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2012

Big week! Little jokes.

At the Republican National Convention, John Sununu said that gay marriage is "too complicated" to discuss at the convention, leading me to believe John Sununu has no idea how sex works.

Fact checkers analyzed Paul Ryan's convention speech, finding it to be rife with lies and misleading information. So, he's ready for national politics.

Rep. Ryan also promised to create 12 million new jobs in the next four years, leading to to much rejoicing in Mumbai.

In his acceptance speech at the RNC last night, Mitt Romney promised he will increase the return on investment for his donors.

Hurricane Isaac is slowing as it leaves Louisiana, probably because of all the booze and fried food.

A federal appeals court struck down the new Texas voter ID law, much to the anger of Texas lawmakers who accused the the court of subverting the democratic process. And that's the job of the Texas legislature.

Volvo is cutting their production of new cars by ten percent. In a related story, Kohl's is reducing their production of boring beige sweater vests.

And finally, a recent medical study found that monkeys who live on a reduced calorie diet don't live any longer than other monkeys. It just feels that way.

Speaking of feeling that way, I feel like this blog is over. Hope you tolerated it!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012

Good morning, my friends.

Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.

Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."

In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.

A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.

Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.

Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.

Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.

Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...

And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.

That's the end!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012

What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.

At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.

In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.

In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.

Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.

A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.

United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.

News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.

And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."

Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2012

Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.

Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.

In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.

European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.

The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."

The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.

That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.

Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.

A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.

And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - August 27, 2012

Given that the GOP convention hasn't started yet, I thought I'd do the Gulf Coast a favor and share some hurricane survival tips, as well as re-run last year's hurricane special. And really, what are we about here if not public service? Enjoy this fully justified excuse for me not watching the news today!

Tip #1: Call ahead when evacuating to make sure you're not wearing the same thing as your friends.


Tip #2: In a post-hurricane disaster, cash will be worthless. Instead, be sure to stock up on intrinsically valuable things, like the love of a good woman or the music of Justin Bieber.


Tip #3: Isaac is a stupid name for a hurricane. Therefore, it probably won't be that dangerous. Dress accordingly.


Tip #4: The hurricane's only natural enemy is the mountain lion. See if you can find one, and then make friends with it. This should take no longer than ten minutes.


Tip #5: When explaining your experiences to others after the hurricane, be sure to make liberal use of the phrase "You weren't there, man! You don't know!"


Tip #6: Early settlers believed that drinking Hurricanes would appease the angry hurricane god, and save the inebriated person from the storm. It's not true, but that's still one tasty superstition.


Tip #6: Try not to schedule any important, nationally televised, massive gatherings in hurricane-prone areas this time of year. But what kind of jackass would do that?


Tip #7: Bring an umbrella.


Tip #8: If at any time the power goes out, start screaming. Yeah, that will help.


And now, a blast from the past!



Monday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2011

Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).

Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.

Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.

Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.

Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.

Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.

Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.

Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.

Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.

That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.

Until then, have a great day!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012

Love it or leave it. Please love it!

Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.

Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?

Hey, remember Syria?

The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.

Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?

Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.

Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.

Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.

Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.

A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.

Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.

And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.

That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2012

Twenty-three-skidoo! Have some jokes, my friends.

A recent medical study found "drinking alcohol while pregnant has long-lasting effects in children." It's also a problem for adults.

In Michigan, a fleet of talking smart cars are taking to the city streets. They tried it in New Jersey, but the cars wouldn't stop swearing.

Logitech unveiled a washable computer keyboard, which is great for... you know. Whatever. It's just great.

Missouri douchebag Todd Aikin said he is staying in the race because of his faith. Makes sense. God only knows why anyone would support him now.

Danish wind turbine firm Vestas cut 1,400 jobs, due to the market sucking. They really needed it to blow.

Korean rapper Psy is finding fame on the Internet thanks to a viral video of his horse-riding dance. Ann Romney is already attempting to purchase him for the 2016 Olympics.

Ecuador's volcano Tungurahua continues to spew lava and rocks, as American tourists in Ecuador continue to spew tequila on the rocks.

And finally, Minnesota state representative Gauthier dropped out of his upcoming race due to his recent sex scandal. A distraught Gauthier said he really wished he'd done something forgivable like make crazy assertions about female biology.

Anyway, that's all. Till next time!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012

Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.

NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.

At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.

Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.

In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”

A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.


The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.

A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.

And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:

"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."

You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2012

More jokes!

In Russia, an Islamist sect was found living underground for nearly a decade. Some of them had never seen the sun at all. It’s almost like they’d been playing World of Warcraft.

Gallup revealed that Congress’ approval rating is at an all-time low this year, making John Boenher and Harry Reid the Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake of sucking at government.

Stuntman and douchebag Bam Margera was detained and handcuffed at the airport this week for reeking of booze. He was also detained and handcuffed at Whole Foods for reeking of booze, and at the Zoo, and the mall... He’s got problems.

Zoologists in Florida captured a giant python this week, and found it was carrying over 80 eggs. They’re speculating that it was in Florida hoping to talk shop with the Octomom.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to deliver the keynote speech at this year’s GOP convention. It’s going to be the first time the speech has to be bleeped.

Things are looking bad at Groupon, the daily deals website. Rumor is that their salespeople are ready to jump ship, which would explain why the website is offering so many deals on cheap salesman rentals.

In India, police blocked famous yoga guru Baba Ramdev from marching on parliament to protest corruption. However, he was allowed to defiantly crabwalk on city hall. Baby steps.

And finally, according to a recent workplace satisfaction study, Facebook is no longer one of the greatest places to work. It is still one of the greatest ways to waste time at work.

More tomorrow!