Thursday, November 15, 2012

Friday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2012

Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.

United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.

eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.

In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.

Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.

New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.

A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.

And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.

That's it! See you next week!

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