The Vatican announced that Pope John Paul II is moving through the process of sainthood, and could be declared a saint this year. His kids must be so proud.
In Canada, two people are being held in conjunction with a plot to detonate a bomb at Parliament in conjunction with Canada Day celebrations. In a related story, at least two people remembered Canada Day.
Christian Bale denied rumors this week that he would be playing Batman in upcoming Justice League films. We get it. You're just playing Bruce Wayne. *wink!*
New York City will soon have its own ".nyc" Internet domain name. It will be open to the public just as soon as they figure out how to digitize rats and garbage smells.
Edward Snowden is having terrible luck finding a nation to grant him asylum. Which may explain all the Craigslist ads posted under the category "M seeks Political Asylum."
In Chicago, Teamsters have gone on strike specifically in the funeral home industry. Additional workers have been brought in to try and break the strike. In the meantime, Chicagoans have been asked to please postpone their deaths until the dispute is resolved.
Computer maker Razer is debuting a new laptop built specifically for gaming and for gamers. Among its features are the Haswell-based Core i7-4702HQ processor, Nvidia GTX 765M graphics card, and a suped-up exhaust fan to blow Cheetos crumbs away from the hard drive.
And finally, American Olympic bobsledder Lolo Jones drew the ire of the Internet when she made fun of one of the witness in the George Zimmerman murder trial. The stunned athlete was overjoyed to find out that anyone knew who the hell she was.
Showing posts with label bomb. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bomb. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 16, 2011
Hey, did you all have a great March 15th yesterday? If you had a Caesar Salad, I hope you stabbed the crap out of it. Yes, I know the salad is unrelated to the ancient political figure. It's just a joke. More examples are included for your enjoyment below.
At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.
In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."
In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.
In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!
Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.
In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.
A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.
And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.
And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!
At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.
In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."
In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.
In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!
Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.
In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.
A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.
And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.
And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)