Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012

What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...

In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.

In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.

A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.

Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!

Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.

In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."

Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.

And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.

I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 21, 2012

Did anyone see the eclipse yesterday? Better than Breaking Dawn, am I right? Oh, that was bad. Okay, the rest of this will probably be better. Fingers crossed!

Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.

Pakistan censored Twitter on Saturday over posts about the "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" contest, saying it was blasphemous and disruptive to society. But you can still watch "Call Me Maybe" on youtube.

This weekend, the NAACP came out in favor of marriage equality after realizing "oh, yeah, civil rights! Forgot about that. Sorry!"

In a speech at the NATO conference in Chicago this weekend, Francoise Hollande calmed international concerns over NATO's proposed missile defense shield when he reminded the world that there's no way the thing will ever work.

The National Weather Service tracked the impressive buildup and precipitous weakening of Tropical Storm Alberto this weekend off the coast of South Carolina. Looks like it should have been called "Tropical Storm Newt Gingrich!" BOOM! Only four months late!

Speaking of elections, third-party Americans Elect won a spot on the 2012 Oregon presidential ballot, but they have no candidate, which puts them ahead of the GOP. BOOM! Romney's a stuffed shirt!

Google's Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt told graduates at Boston College to turn off their screens for one hour and look into the eyes of the person they love. Bad news for the unloved losers! Also, a good way to scare someone away is to stare into their eyes for an hour each day, especially if your loved one is a chimpanzee, as they interpret that as a sign of aggression and will rip your arms off.

And finally, Maria Sharapova won the Italian Open this weekend, or some other tennis thing, making it totally justifiable and not at all creepy to look at pictures of her on the Internet. Stare at that for an hour, Boston College.

...and, SCENE! Till tomorrow, friends.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012

Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...

Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!

A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.

George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.

America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.

In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.

North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.

Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.

And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.

Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 1, 2012

Happy May Day! How will you be celebrating? Perhaps by angrily taking to the streets? Or dancing happily around a large pole? Either option is equally valid. First, enjoy some jokes.

Presidential "candidate" Mitt Romney said that just like President Obama, he also would have ordered the raid on bin Laden's compound last year. But he would have ordered it from China.

A woman was just rescued in Utah after spending four days stranded in the desert. Or as the rest of us call it, "being in Utah."

Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire, is now building and plans to sail a ship called "Titanic II" from London to New York. James Cameron responded to the news by saying "I love sequels!"

The Macmillan Cancer Support charity in England says that not enough women are using sunscreen. It also kindly offered to help women apply the sunscreen. And, you know, maybe get a drink afterward?

United States armed forces are joining the hunt for African mega-bastard Joseph Kony. Has anyone checked Pakistan?

The HDNet channel is launching a reality show about the women at a legal brothel in Nevada. Hmm. Television program about legally-sanctioned prostitutes? Didn't that used to be called C-SPAN?

BOOM!

In Murfreesboro, Tennessee, a trial is underway to prevent the construction of a mosque in the town on the grounds that the Imams might start teaching evolution.

And finally, Microsoft just bought a sizable stake in Barnes and Noble's Nook device, so look out for them to stop working any time now.

That's it! But since you've been so good, enjoy this May Day goodness:

"May Queen," by Liz Phair. Not related to Brian May of Queen.

Hey, how about the Haymarket riots?

That's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 1, 2012

Three... Two... One... JOKE!

Comic book artists Neil Gaiman and Todd McFarlane finally settled a longstanding dispute over royalties from the comic book series Spawn. In a related story, no one is claiming responsibility for anything Rob Leifeld has ever done.

The U.K. Navy sent one of its destroyers to the Falkland Islands this week, which is the most outrageous viral marketing you're likely to see for Iron Lady.

Celebrity chefs from Pakistan and India are set to compete in a reality TV cooking show this season. The secret ingredient: enriched Uranium 235.

In America, Democratic senators are planning to push forward the "Buffett Rule" to raise the tax rate on capital gains and subsidize the sale of cheeseburgers in paradise.

France is honoring Shakira for her contributions to art and culture at Cannes. Seems appropriate considering how those contributions came mainly from her can. Yes. You get a pun today. Don't take it personally.

Bollywood filmmaker Shirish Kunder said he was roughed up at a recent party by actor Shah Rukh Khan. Or, more accurately, he stared into the distance and shouted "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

This clearly isn't my best day.

Twenty five abducted Chinese workers were freed from their captors in the Sudan this week. Said one freed worker, "that was the first vacation I've ever had."

And finally, Mitt Romney won the Florida primary election yesterday. In his victory speech, he thanked his greatest contributor: lowered expectations.

That's the end. Tomorrow brings more stuff. Come see!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2011

Let's do this.

In London, the embattled newspaper News of the World shut down yesterday after 168 years of publishing. This is especially awful for anyone who got stumped on Sunday's crossword puzzle.

In a suburb of Detroit, a woman faces 93 days in jail over a vegetable garden in her front yard. Apparently it goes against the city's strong pro-bleak legislation.

In Dallas, a Rihanna concert had to be cancelled after a fire broke out above the stage. The evacuation was delayed, however, when concert staff misunderstood the chants of "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"

In New Zealand, a representative for a national business group came under fire last week for linking female worker productivity to menstrual cycles. It was a pretty big deal last week, but for some reason it just doesn't seem that important this week.

Music sales are up this year, leading to speculation that kids today are too stupid to figure out how to use bittorrent.

In California, Prince William and Kate Middleton wrapped up a visit to California with a visit to Santa Monica's skid row and a polo match. Apparently they really like horse.

In international news, the U.S. announced they will be halting approximately $800 million in military aid. Jeez, you hide one mass-murderer...

And lastly, Vinny Guadagnino, AKA "Vinny" of The Jersey Shore, returned to the show's beach house this weekend after earlier quitting the series. So, they're all back? Great, go ahead and board it up, guys. Hurry, before they run out of mixers!

Okay, that's all for today. Let's do this again tomorrow, what do you say?

Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 15, 2011

T-H-U-R-S-D-A-Why? Because time is ceaseless, kiddos. It keeps on moving. As we all do. But we can still stop and enjoy a blog, right?

Okay. Here's something. A U.S. Airways mechanic stowed away on a recent flight in a part of the plane called the "Hell Hole," because it is not pressurized or heated during flight, and there's no oxygen. Apparently that's still preferable to sitting in the cabin....

In politics, Rep. Peter King, has been taking fire from groups upset about his congressional investigation into the danger of Muslims in America. He's surprised at the anger the investigation has caused, adding "it's getting really tough to be a racist in America."

The hacker group LulzSec opened a hack-request telephone line this week, so users can suggest targets for the group. That's right. A telephone line. Apparently their fax line is broken.

In St. Louis, the local Catholic church cancelled a fundraising event co-sponsored by Hooters, because the Catholic church would never recover from the scandal of being linked to adult women in skimpy outfits selling mediocre chicken wings. That's clearly the worst thing that could happen to them.

In Pakistan, the military arrested and interrogated five informants who sold out bin Laden to American intelligence agents. So, we're clearly on the same team here.

In Hollywood this year, the producers of the Oscars said they plan to nominate five to ten films for best picture. This is expected to put a huge strain on the motion picture industry, as they were only planning to make three good movies this year. Four, tops.

In Utah, a family was forced to move out of their new home after they discovered it was infested with thousands of snakes. Samuel L. Jackson has been contacted.

And lastly, this week a Seattle man suspended himself from a hot air balloon 2,800 feet in the air with ropes attached to piercings in his back. He said "it's better than U.S. Airways."

Okay, that's all for the week from me! Do come back again tomorrow and see what's up! And if you have a chance, try some fresh fruit!

Have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011

Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.

Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!

I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.

Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.

In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.

On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...

In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.

In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.

Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?

And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.

That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!

Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/

Have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011

So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!

Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.

Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.

Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?

Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.

In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?

In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.

Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.

And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.

Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.

P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011

Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.

So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
 

Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
 

Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
 

This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
 

Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
 

At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
 

Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
 

And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
 

A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.

Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.

How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...

In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"

Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.

Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.

Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.

Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.

And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.

Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.

Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 11, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Actress Denise Richards and musician Nikki Sixx split up recently after several weeks of dating. No word yet if they were successful in their attempt to create the world's strongest venereal disease.