Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011

So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!

Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.

Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.

Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?

Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.

In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?

In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.

Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.

And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.

Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.

P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.