Sunday, May 8, 2011

Monday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012

Happy Monday! Did I say happy? Oh well. Positive attitude, right? Also: jokes.

Anyone who drives in cities knows what a problem parking is, right? Well, in San Francisco, a new smartphone app went online this week that shows drivers where they can find open parking spaces nearby. Not only that, it also automatically calls paramedics when you hit a pedestrian while you're looking down at your phone. That's pretty handy.

Big weekend for movies, too. Thor hit theaters, and at a screening in Glendale, a group of 24 men dressed as vikings invaded the theater, surprising the audience with their hilarious Viking hijinks. The entire audience signed up for Capital One cards. Across the hall, the touring company of Cats was hard at work ruining African Cats and bringing trauma to a theater full of children.

In other animal news, 20-1 longshot horse "Animal Kingdom" won the the Kentucky Derby as well as a one week reprieve from Purina Mills. The unlikely winner, and the massive payout that followed, gave hope to a whole generation of gambling addicts. Kudos!

In Bin Laden news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, and we've got hours and hours of videos recovered from his compound. In response to that news, America's Funniest Home Movies issued a Freedom of Information Act request to release the tapes just on the off chance that the B-roll includes a Bin Laden nut shot. I'd watch that. Repeatedly. In fact, if such a nut shot doesn't exist, the CIA should fabricate one. Wouldn't be the worst thing they've done.

In Catholic news, a leading Catholic magazine this weekend called on the new Archbishop of Wales to learn to speak, read and write in Welsh. Come on, leave the guy alone. He's already spent years learning one worthless language.

In Oklahoma, a man recently caught his wife on tape via hidden camera... setting fires on their property. Not exactly the hot solo action he was hoping for, I'm sure.

In Staten Island, New York, the governing board for a condominium building is blocking attempts to build a wheelchair lift for a young girl with cerebral palsy who lives there with her parents. They want the wheelchair lift to go in the back of the building, rather than the front. Good news, though, if they can't come to an agreement, her parents could always just sell the condo and move on. I happen to know of a woman in Oklahoma who's probably looking for a new place.

And finally, today, word came out that Sir Paul McCartney will be marrying again. This will be the third time for the former Beatle. When asked why he would rush back into matrimony again, he said "well, I've got all this extra money lying around." Better sign a pre-nup, Sir Paul. Remember, last time you lost an arm and a leg.

Okay, that's all for today. Come back tomorrow, I dare you!

In the meantime, have a great day, everyone!

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