Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.
Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.
How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...
In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"
Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.
Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.
Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.
And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.
Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.
Until then, have a great day!
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