It's already Wednesday, and I'm still excited about my new boxer shorts. And just so you know, I'm open to the possibility of a celebrity endorsement deal, despite my lack of celebrity. I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be an underwear model. That's normal, right? Okay, enough of my banter.
There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.
Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.
Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.
In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.
Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.
In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)
In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."
And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.
Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Chime in!