In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.
Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."
According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."
In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.
In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.
In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."
Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.
And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."
That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs.
Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!
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