Welcome to your Thursday, you Internet people. I'm a little torn up about the cancellation of The Event, so there won't be much banter from me today. Maybe it'll be back. I don't know. Things like that make you question your faith in NB... oh, right. Never mind.
A New Jersey woman was diagnosed with cataplexy, a disorder that causes her to fall asleep every time she so much as giggles. That's gotta suck. But to make matters worse, NBC just cancelled her favorite show, [Outsourced]. Apparently it's the only program she could make it all the way through.
In New York, Courtney Love is in town promoting, I don't know, her twitter account or something. While she's here, she told reporters that she started taking Valium at the ripe old age of 8. Congratulations, Hoffmann-La Roche, your drug is getting free exposure! No press is bad press, right? Right? Although, this may be a conflict of interest for Ms. Love, as she's already a compensated spokesperson for "Batshit-Crazy." Remember, for all your insane needs, choose Batshit-Crazy!
In environmental news, Iran's largest lake, Lake Oroumieh, is turning salty. Iranian scientists are investigating the phenomenon, and expect to have an explanation of how it was caused by the Jews sometime early next week.
In legal news, former role-model and current cautionary-tale John Edwards may be facing indictment from the Department of Justice. And it couldn't happen to a nicer fella. It's just a shame Elizabeth couldn't see it in person. Oh, and that he's a piece of shit. That's a shame, too.
In "literary" news, the Kardashian sisters announced a new contest to name their novel. Pretty cool for fans, right? Well, next month they'll have another contest, where one lucky fan will get to write the whole book.
A recent survey of professional bankers found that 72% of them admitted to cheating on their spouses. Wow, they just can't stop screwing people. Any chance John Edwards was a banker?
Speaking of horrible revelations, a Sarah Palin biopic opened in Iowa this week. Early reviews call it "hilarious," and "must-not see."
And finally, a report from historians released this week revealed that Nazi scientists tried to teach dogs how to read, write and speak. How did they lose the war again? But this is exciting news for Steven Spielberg, who just found the villain for his next Indiana Jones movie! And regardless of how crappy the dog special effects are, it will still be more believable than Shia LaBoef. He's not going to be in the Thundercats movie, is he?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more hilarity from Spencer, and I'll be back on Monday. If you're in Hoboken, come see me at Clam Broth House Friday at 9pm this Friday, and no matter where you are, have a great day.
And don't forget the sunblock!
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