Welcome back. I'm starting to think that you've come here just for the jokes, and not to hear about my underpants. Is that true? Looks like I have some soul-searching to do. At least I'll be wearing a pair of super-comfortable Hanes Boxers while I do it. Okay, here's some jokes.
In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.
Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.
In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.
That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.
This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.
In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.
This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!
Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.
Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
It may be time for a boxer rebellion......
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