Tonight brings the second Republican Presidential Debate, and expectations are high for front-runner Donald Trump. He recently expanded his "Everything You Like and None of the Stuff You Hate" platform, which has been winning over GOP voters tired of being pandered to by politicians. They are really excited about being pandered to by a real estate developer for a while.
Former Gov. Jeb Bush unveiled his new Spanish-language political ad. It's quite an accomplishment for the candidate, proving that he has what it takes to be incredibly boring in two languages at once.
In Way Back Wednesday news, Carly Fiorina's old company, Hewlett Packard, honored the former CEO this week with one of her favorite activities: firing 30,000 employees.
In other Presidential Hopeless news, Gov. Bobby Jindal said yesterday that "Trump is a madman who must be stopped." Although it's not clear if that was an official statement, or an excerpt from Jindal's 24 fan-fic.
Admit it: you'd read that if it really existed.
Snapchat may soon allow users to replay deleted messages, for a cost. Representatives from the Clinton campaign have inquired about the price to make sure messages stay deleted.
Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced plans to build and launch rockets from Florida, because he takes Prime Shipping seriously.
Also, he's probably a James Bond-style supervillain, blah blah blah.
Archaeologists have discovered evidence that ancient paleolithic humans ate oatmeal. They also discovered that even ancient paleolithic humans were sick and tired of hearing about the Paleo Diet.
Speaking of regrettable food choices, Taco Bell is opening a new cantina-style restaurant, with an upscale menu, alcohol, and more elegant dining rooms. It's all part of a new push by the company to offer visitors the chance to have a classier diarrhea experience.
Also, you can now get a frozen drink that mixes Mountain Dew drink with rum, tequila or vodka. It used to be you could only find that kind of beverage in the freshman dorms at Florida State.
Order up!
Showing posts with label james bond. Show all posts
Showing posts with label james bond. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012
I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2012
Happy hump day. Read that how you will. Got a lot to get through today, hope you're ready for it. Alright, let's get serious.
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Sanford, Florida, just hired a new interim police chief. Their main criteria for hiring: looking for someone who hasn't seen the news in the last three months.
Five anarchists were arrested in a plot to blow up a Cleveland bridge yesterday or in 1908. Fortunately, no one was injured in the plot, and LeBron James' title as Biggest Asshole In Cleveland History is unchallenged.
Members of British Parliament said yesterday that Rupert Murdoch is "not a fit boss" for NewsCorp. In the U.K., "fit" is also slang for attractive. Both interpretations work here.
Also in the U.K., the National Health Service is working with Facebook to promote organ donation. Tie it in to Farmville, and you'll be neck-deep in kidneys.
French National Front leader Marine Le Pen said she would be abstaining from the upcoming presidential election. Dominique Strauss-Kahn responded to the news by saying "what is that word, 'abstaining?'"
Duran Duran will be headlining an outdoor concert to mark the beginning of the Olympics this year. Also joining them in this retro event: The Soviet Union.
Studio spokespersons for MGM said that the next James Bond film will explore a more "depressed" James Bond, which I suppose explains why they have him drinking Heineken.
And finally, Nadya Suleman, now broke and fending for 14 children, said that she's open to acting in a pornographic film, although she won't touch another "human's flesh." Thanks, Octomom, for continuing to make things creepy. Although I think down the line she might come to regret making the distinction of not touching "human" flesh.
Yep, leaving it at that. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2012
G'day, mates. Get your funny faces on and let's have some jokes.
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.
She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.
A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.
Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.
Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.
Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.
In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!
And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.
So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.
She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.
A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.
Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.
Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.
Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.
In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!
- Dr. Douchebag
- Douchefinger
- From Russia with a Douche
- Never Say Douchebag Again
- The Man With the Golden Douche
- View to a Douchebag
And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.
So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011
You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 5, 2011
Hot damn! Is it Friday? No, it's Thursday. Rope it in a bit. But not too much, because it's CINCO DE MAYO! If you can, you should go to Taco Mayo today. And then don't make any plans for tomorrow. Okay, prepare to be amused.
In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.
Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."
According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."
In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.
In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.
In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."
Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.
And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."
That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs.
Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!
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