Wednesday, September 16, 2015

September 16, 2015: Ask Not For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls, it Tolls for Last Call

Tonight brings the second Republican Presidential Debate, and expectations are high for front-runner Donald Trump. He recently expanded his "Everything You Like and None of the Stuff You Hate" platform, which has been winning over GOP voters tired of being pandered to by politicians. They are really excited about being pandered to by a real estate developer for a while.

Former Gov. Jeb Bush unveiled his new Spanish-language political ad. It's quite an accomplishment for the candidate, proving that he has what it takes to be incredibly boring in two languages at once.

In Way Back Wednesday news, Carly Fiorina's old company, Hewlett Packard, honored the former CEO this week with one of her favorite activities: firing 30,000 employees.

In other Presidential Hopeless news, Gov. Bobby Jindal said yesterday that "Trump is a madman who must be stopped." Although it's not clear if that was an official statement, or an excerpt from Jindal's 24 fan-fic.

Admit it: you'd read that if it really existed.

Snapchat may soon allow users to replay deleted messages, for a cost. Representatives from the Clinton campaign have inquired about the price to make sure messages stay deleted.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced plans to build and launch rockets from Florida, because he takes Prime Shipping seriously.

Also, he's probably a James Bond-style supervillain, blah blah blah.

Archaeologists have discovered evidence that ancient paleolithic humans ate oatmeal. They also discovered that even ancient paleolithic humans were sick and tired of hearing about the Paleo Diet.

Speaking of regrettable food choices, Taco Bell is opening a new cantina-style restaurant, with an upscale menu, alcohol, and more elegant dining rooms. It's all part of a new push by the company to offer visitors the chance to have a classier diarrhea experience.

Also, you can now get a frozen drink that mixes Mountain Dew drink with rum, tequila or vodka. It used to be you could only find that kind of beverage in the freshman dorms at Florida State.

Order up!

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