Friday, September 18, 2015

September 18, 2015: Yeah, It Cuts Like 3,500 Knives

The CNN GOP Presidential debate this week spurred the network's highest ratings ever, which is amazing considering that the whole program was just a super-long episode of A&E's Intervention.

European countries are locking down their borders to slow the flow of immigrants and asylum-seekers, saying that their countries just can't handle all the extra people, and that taking in so many expats would do irreparable harm to the European Union. After all, look what happened to so many African nations that took in a bunch of Europeans back in the 1800s. Those places are fucked now.

Speaking of refugees, a refugee in Hungary was just offered a job coaching football (European version) in Spain. He was seen in a viral video last week being tripped by a reporter and falling over as he ran. Presumably he won the role after his fall earned a red card for the reporter.

Japanese lawmakers debated new legislation to reinterpret the nation's post-World War II pacifist constitution and allow Japanese forces to fight overseas once more. The debate about Japan's pacifism devolved into a physical brawl among the legislators, so looks like everything is going to be fine.

Incidentally, they passed new tax credits for irony with no opposition.

The U.S. Navy has agreed to new conditions on sonar usage in the Pacific Ocean, specifically to limit the harm done by sonar to blue whale populations. Apparently whale populations have taken a hit in recent years because Navy sonar systems use the same frequencies as the whale version of Tinder.

Police in Florida arrested a 47-year-old woman for parole violations, and found her in possession of over 3,500 various swords, hatchets, knives, axes and other edged weapons in her trailer home. She was charged with one count of assaulting an officer and 3,500 counts of "being exactly what the other 49 states think of Florida."

Following news that actor/comedian Steve Rannazzisi lied about being a 9/11 survivor, Buffalo Wild Wings dropped Rannazzisi as their company spokesman. Fortunately he's found work representing diarrhea, so it's a lateral move.

And finally, Internet star Andy George spent a year and $1,500 to make one sandwich from scratch, which is actually not a bad deal when you consider how much the average man spends on finding and keeping a girlfriend.

Have a great weekend!

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