Tuesday, September 22, 2015

September 22, 2015: These Boots Were Made for Walker

Tennis star James Blake met with NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio yesterday to discuss the NYPD officer who assaulted and tackled Blake recently outside his hotel. Blake said it was a productive meeting, and as a result he's been offered a position with the New York Giants, training Eli Manning in the proper way to go down when tackled.

Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.

Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!

Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.

Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.

In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.

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