Begin coasting now, everyone. It's the middle of the week. Time to not give a damn. Except for jokes. You should always take jokes seriously. Like these, for instance.
Herman Cain said yesterday that due to the latest allegations that he has been having an affair, he will "reassess" his campaign, which likely means he will be looking for a new piece of ass on his campaign staff.
He likes the ladies.
Good news, book fans! Fahrenheit 451, the cautionary tale of technology's power to sap our humanity, is finally out as an eBook. This is great, because I was looking for a way to read great sci-fi literature while still signaling to the world that I in no way understand what I'm reading.
Speaking of not getting it, Miley Cyrus came out in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement. No comment yet from Hannah Montana.
The Gay Softball World Series settled a suit from three players who were banned in 2008 because they were suspected of not being gay. I can't tell if this is a step forward for gay rights or not.
In Connecticut, a pair of wealth fund managers won a $254 million lottery prize this weekend. One of them said, "wow, this would be really exciting if I weren't already so wealthy!"
John Hinckley is petitioning for release from a D.C. mental hospital on the grounds that he's no longer a danger to society as it turns out Reagan is dead and Jodie Foster is a lesbian.
In the UK, a toilet designer is working on urinal video games to "combat boredom" in the bathroom. The first game is "Space Invaders," but it has more to do with people who stand too close to you while you pee. Also, you really should wash your hands after touching the joystick.
And finally, the National Institute of Health in the UK found that patients in admitted to the hospital on the weekend are more likely to die than people admitted during the week. So, plan your heart attacks accordingly.
See, told you it was time to coast. I hope you enjoyed these, and hope you'll check out more tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label miley cyrus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miley cyrus. Show all posts
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2011
It's August. And this is, officially, a cruel, cruel summer. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an ambivalent fall. Alright, enough funny business. Here are some jokes.
Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.
Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.
Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.
Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.
Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.
In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.
And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.
Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.
Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.
Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.
Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.
Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.
In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.
And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.
Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
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