Well. A little bit has transpired since last I wrote in this blog. It's like we're living in a weird alternate universe, like the place a sci-fi protagonist has to escape from to get back to the "real" reality. It's incredibly surreal, but we now live in a world where the Cubs won the World Series.
Some other shit happened, too, but past is merely prologue and the present is just a prolapse.
Here's some jokes.
In the opening shot of a new North American trade war, Taco Bell announced they will soon be selling beer in Canada. Unfortunately, to get the beer you will have to purchase Taco Bell. Canada was still reeling from the WTO ruling that the sale of Tim Horton's coffee was considered "dumping."
Scientists have created an artificial womb to help premature babies develop after birth. The device was based on research discovered at a defunct lab dedicated to finding new weird-ass places for Michael Jackson to sleep.
Failed CEO Marissa Mayer's stake in failed internet giant Yahoo is now valued at $186 million. But that's nothing compared to the stock options Pres. Trump will cash in when he sells us off.
Fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle announced sales growth this year, and is exploring a new dessert option: Death By Chocolate. It's a departure from their previous after-dinner treat: Wish You Were Dead By Diarrhea.
Pres. Trump is re-evaluating how U.S. national monuments are created and how we can go about adding shitty golf courses to them.
China recently launched it's first domestically built aircraft carrier. The ship is a major coup for the Chinese manufacturing industry, which managed to build the entire thing out of old iPhone 6 parts.
Former Pres. Obama is in hot water with progressives after accepting $400,000 for a private speech to a Wall Street bank. They'd be even more pissed off if they knew that the speech was delivered via an unmanned drone strike.
The U.S. military is installing a "missile defense" system in South Korea in preparation for the upcoming Korean War II. Alan Alda is already at work on the M*A*S*H reboot.
The Trump administration has a record number of vacant positions, which is extremely frustrating for Russian spies.
Ivanka Trump was jeered in Germany for defending her father at a recent public meeting. And this is a nation that is still on board with David Hasselhoff's chest hair and leather shorts.
Pres. Trump is proposing changes to the tax law that would increase the number of deductions people can take. Some people accused Trump of self-dealing, but he will actually be unable to take advantage of the changes as they only apply to people who pay taxes.
Michael Flynn is hoping that Turkish Lira are going to be deductible. Or at least that they'll be accepted in the prison commissary.
/end
