With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.
Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.
George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.
In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.
Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."
Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.
The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.
And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.
Showing posts with label assad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label assad. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2012
Snap into a topical joke blog! Ooh, yeah! That's one spicy humor blog! I'm not good at advertising, or banter this week. But then again... jokes!
Barbara Walters apologized this week for helping an aide to Syria's Monster-in-Chief, Bashar Assad, who was trying to get a job in America. But then again, she said the same thing about Debbie Matenopoulos.
Yesterday, the Olympic flame entered Dublin, Ireland. Several hours later, it slowly stumbled out, looking for eggs and hash.
Restaurant chain Taco Bell is trying to combat its image as a cheap, late-night fast food spot. So, they're introducing upscale items to the menu, hoping to give customers a classier diarrhea experience.
Actor and life-coach Charlie Sheen told Rolling Stone in an interview this week that he "was in total denial" in his life until recently, but has finally come to his senses. And by that, he means he finally admits that Two and a Half Men was a terrible show. Oh, and probably something about not doing cocaine, I would guess.
Mitt Romney's personal email may have been hacked. Friends and family became suspicious when they started receiving emails from the former Governor that were logically coherent and full of factually correct information.
Hey, music fans! Ziggy Stardust just turned 40 years old! But that's only 21 in Martian Spider years.
Technology news now! A hacker claimed yesterday to have stolen 6.5 million passwords from the LinkedIn social networking site. Industry experts doubt the claim, though, as clearly there have never been 6.5 million LinkedIn users.
And finally, in other tech news, Ironfire Capital founder Eric Jackson said yesterday that Facebook will disappear in a few years. He's also very optimistic about his genital herpes clearing up any time now.
</ha ha ha> until tomorrow!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2012
Welcome back, everyone! Anyone have a weekend? Yeah, that's good stuff. Anyone have any jokes?
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.
Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.
Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.
The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.
Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.
In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.
Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.
Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.
And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.
That's all for now! G'day!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012
Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 8, 2011
I'm so glad it's Thursday. More than that, I'm so glad you're here to share it with me. Whoever you are. Yeah. Okay.
In France, activists invaded an atomic power site to show how vulnerable it is. It's kinda like beating a kid up to show him he needs to be tougher, except if you punch too hard, millions of cubic liters of radioactive steam come out of him and kill thousands of people. That old chestnut.
Yesterday, Syrian President Assad said that only “crazy” leaders kill their own people. He then cut prices so low, he’d have to be insane! And then he killed a bunch of people.
Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to fourteen years in prison yesterday. Fourteen years! By the time he gets out, he’ll have no idea how much a senate seat is supposed to sell for. Also, he plead for leniency from the judge, which might have been more effective if he hadn’t dropped so many f-bombs.
Hillary Clinton gave a speech yesterday showing U.S. support for LGBT people being persecuted overseas. Too bad American LGBT people aren't overseas.
Netflix’s president said this week that HBO Go is the online rival he fears the most. And also spiders.
Terrence Howard’s wife got a restraining order against him earlier this month, but by the time the paperwork was finished it ended up being for Don Cheadle instead.
A study of American schools found that middle-class children ask for more help on assignments than working-class students, while the rich kids just pay someone else to do it for them.
In France, activists invaded an atomic power site to show how vulnerable it is. It's kinda like beating a kid up to show him he needs to be tougher, except if you punch too hard, millions of cubic liters of radioactive steam come out of him and kill thousands of people. That old chestnut.
And finally, Sarah Palin said yesterday that the idea of a Trump-moderated debate was "appealing." I assume she meant to say "appalling." Either way, she's dumb.
Whew! I'm tired. It's been a long week, and I thank you for sticking around. Come back tomorrow for Spencer's laugh attack, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, have a great day!
Whew! I'm tired. It's been a long week, and I thank you for sticking around. Come back tomorrow for Spencer's laugh attack, and I'll be back Monday. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 13, 2011
Fifty percent and counting. Today's a big day. Let's make some funny.
In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.
In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.
In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?
In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."
In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.
This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."
In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.
And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...
Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!
In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.
In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.
In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?
In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."
In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.
This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."
In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.
And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...
Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!
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