Welcome back, friends. Did anyone else party too hard for Presidents' Day? And by "party," I do mean "Whig," if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me. I didn't actually get that.
Speaking of political parties and not getting it, Rick Santorum has been spreading himself pretty thin in Michigan, but polls show he's connecting with voters on a personal level. Romney, on the other hand, is doing really well with the automated car-building robots in Detroit. But you know robots are too lazy to vote.
In New York, Monaco's Prince Pierre Casiraghi was briefly hospitalized after a bar fight, when he was defeated by the Black Knight.
Astronaut and American hero Neil Armstrong gave a speech honoring John Glenn this weekend. Said Armstrong, "while it's not as cool as being the first man on the moon, it's still quite an accomplishment being the first man to orbit the Earth. What's that? Oh, he wasn't? It was some Russian guy? Oh, this is awkward." He then cut the tension by punching a waiter who said the moon landing was staged.
Disgraced former Senator John Ensign is back in Nevada, working as a veterinarian at a clinic he founded years ago. And in my mind, the clinic specializes exclusively in proctology for large, violent jungle cats. With incontinence.
In the Italian town of Ivrea, residents gathered this week for a massive orange fight before Lent. So take that, Rio. Looks like you've got some party competition this year.
In Washington, D.C., a community college is selling kits with all you need for Occupy-style protests. It's got everything but bail money.
Scientists discovered that soldier ants actually remember the scent of their enemies, sort of like Axe body spray.
And finallly, in Romania, the supreme court legally recognized Paul Hohenzollern as the legitimate heir to the Romanian throne, ending a 21 year legal battle and beginning a new battle with the Black Knight. Best of luck, Paul!
That's all. See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label occupy wall street. Show all posts
Showing posts with label occupy wall street. Show all posts
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012
And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012
Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011
Good morning, friends! Doing anything inappropriate today? Sure hope so. You can start by laughing inappropriately loudly at these jokes and sending them to an inappropriate number of your friends. Commence enjoyment!
In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.
Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.
Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.
In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.
Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!
In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.
And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."
And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.
Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.
And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.
Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.
Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.
In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.
Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!
In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.
And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."
And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.
Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.
And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011
Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011
Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.
The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.
In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.
New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.
Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.
A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.
In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.
NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.
And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!
And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!
The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.
In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.
New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.
Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.
A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.
In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.
NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.
And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!
And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2011
What's got eight jokes and 250 posts? This blog. Read below to see how this momentous occasion is utterly indistinguishable from the other 249 posts.
Let's go international, why don't we? Yesterday the King of Jordan, when asked about Syrian president Bashar's recent crackdown on his people, said "I would step down." He then added, "but I'm also not a paranoid psychotic, so take that with a grain of salt."
The NBA players association rejected the league's most recent contract offer and threatened to disband the players' union. Wow. It's a good thing they all got solid college educations so they can find a fallback career. Or at least go to the Occupy Wall Street protests and complain about not having jobs.
Jersey Shore star JWOWW tweeted this weekend that she was singled out unfairly for extra inspection by TSA agents on a recent trip. She was upset by the unnecessary pat down, mainly because she was neither drunk nor at the club when it happened.
Speaking of cultural touchstones, a literary museum is raising money to purchase and publish a "lost" manuscript by Charlotte Bronte. In a related story, high school English students are raising money to purchase and burn the same manuscript.
A survey found that one-third of American adults have ended a relationship through Facebook, text messaging and email, which means we need to be more clear about the meaning of the word "adult."
Speaking of crappy adults, former Penn State albatross Jerry Sandusky said yesterday that he is not a pedophile, but admitted to showering with young boys. In a related story, Jerry Sandusky may not know what the word "pedophile" actually means.
In European news, the new Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos says the country can be saved, but needs to implement a new economic program that will improve competitiveness. So, to sum up: Greece *can* be saved, but it *won't* be saved. Good try, L-Pap.
And finally, recent polling revealed that Newt Gingrich is tied with Mitt Romney for the lead in the Republican presidential primary! In a related story, that one vein on Romney's head keeps getting bigger.
Well, that's all. Until tomorrow, that is. And until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 26, 2011
Hey, guess what. I got a new computer. Hooray. Now I can more easily type "smartphone." And jokes. Let's do this.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Netflix lost over 800K subscribers in the last three months as users realized that they could still steal movies.
In Turkey, an aftershock from the recent earthquake set off a riot at a Turkish prison. Fortunately, prison officials were able to get the inmates back under control in time for the evening torture.
Speaking of torture, MTV is planning to make a reality show at the Occupy Wall Street protests in New York. Either someone at MTV has a superhuman sense of irony, or they are all morons.
In romantic news, Tara Reid said yesterday that her recent marriage was fake. You know, like breasts.
A single mother of four in England faces jail time for biting her boyfriend's testicles in a drunken fight, although we may have zeroed in on why this catch is still single. Take note, ladies: it's hard out there for a single mom. Especially when she keeps biting people's testicles.
Russian President (or Prime Minister, I can't remember which he is today) Medvedev recently took to his blog to promote the sport of badminton. Congratulations, Dimitry: you just made gawker.com seem worthwhile.
Also, Medvedev is touting badminton as a sport for those "seeking success." Although it is worth noting that in Russian "seeking success" also translates as "wanting to live in the shadow of a megalomaniacal autocrat." It's a beautiful language.
And lastly, the Center for Disease Control now recommends the HPV vaccine for 11 year-old boys, and thus ends any hope for the CDC to win the GOP presidential nomination.
That's it! I've gotta go update my iTunes. See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 19, 2011
Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 5, 2011
Welcome to the great unbounded middle of the week. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself riding the crest of the wave? If you can, you might want to make sure you're not actually surfing while reading this, as you might hurt yourself. Just a thought. Now let's look at jokes and stuff.
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 28, 2011
Pull up a chair and commence to learnin' y'all. I don't know why I wrote that. Okay, continuing on in this week's in-depth coverage of stuff what matters, here's your Monday tip sheet on a Wednesday. It's the eight things you should know about the Occupy Wall Street protest!
1. The protest has now lasted longer than The Paul Reiser Show. Look out, Whitney!
2. Protestors occupying Wall Street were not initially greeted as liberators, but they still have a better exit strategy than Bush did.
3. Turns out lots of the police really love Goldmann Sachs.
4. Fox is planning to turn the protest into a reality competition show for mid-season: So You Think You Can Protest.
5. Filmmaker Michael Moore cheered protestors on Monday by visiting, and then leaving just before he became tiresome.
6. Keith Olbermann has had some great coverage of the protest on his new show on Current TV. Have you seen it? No? Yeah, me neither.
7. The protest won't be considered a success unless Rage Against the Machine reunites for a North American tour next summer.
8. Pretty sure I saw Warren Buffett leading the thing.
That's it for now. Learn more about the protest here https://occupywallst.org/ and for a surprisingly thorough background in financial and economic inequalities in America, watch the closing credits to The Other Guys.
See you tomorrow!
1. The protest has now lasted longer than The Paul Reiser Show. Look out, Whitney!
2. Protestors occupying Wall Street were not initially greeted as liberators, but they still have a better exit strategy than Bush did.
3. Turns out lots of the police really love Goldmann Sachs.
4. Fox is planning to turn the protest into a reality competition show for mid-season: So You Think You Can Protest.
5. Filmmaker Michael Moore cheered protestors on Monday by visiting, and then leaving just before he became tiresome.
6. Keith Olbermann has had some great coverage of the protest on his new show on Current TV. Have you seen it? No? Yeah, me neither.
7. The protest won't be considered a success unless Rage Against the Machine reunites for a North American tour next summer.
8. Pretty sure I saw Warren Buffett leading the thing.
That's it for now. Learn more about the protest here https://occupywallst.org/ and for a surprisingly thorough background in financial and economic inequalities in America, watch the closing credits to The Other Guys.
See you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)