Sunday, January 29, 2012

Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012

Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.

In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.

Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.

Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.

At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.

In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.

Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.

Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.

And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.

And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!

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