In Venezuela, a barber is keeping Hugo Chavez's revolution alive by giving free haircuts in the street. Unfortunately, it is Chavez's haircut, so she's not very popular with the ladies.
A recent evaluation of India's electrical grid found that over half of the population has no access to power. A spokesman for the government addressed the issue saying "that's nothing compared to the metaphorically powerless."
Microsoft just fixed a massive outage that brought down the Outlook program for offices around the country for three whole days. Or, as Outlook users called it: "the best three days ever."
Priceline.com stock nearly topped $1000 per share recently, but then people started naming their own price for shares, and it all went to hell from there.
In Bangkok, Thailand, police just seized $6 million worth of methamphetamines and Breaking Bad spoilers.
Saudi Arabia's government is warning western powers not to interfere in what's going on in Egypt because "those guys are making us look really good."
U.S. investigators are probing allegations that J.P. Morgan Chase hired the children of Chinese officials as a bribe for access to the country. So, on top of bribery, now it appears that Chase is engaging in child labor. Just awful, making children work in a bank...
And finally, New Zealand just held its first same-sex marriage ceremonies this weekend. Catering was provided by hobbits.
Is that it? Yes, for now.
Showing posts with label hugo chavez. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hugo chavez. Show all posts
Monday, August 19, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 28, 2013
Hey, welcome back! Okay.
Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.
Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"
At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."
Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.
New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."
And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.
Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"
At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."
Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.
New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."
And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 16, 2013
Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 8, 2012
Happy times, my friends. Did you hear that Hugo Chavez was "re-elected" as "President" of Venezuela? Let's look back on the last 13 years of his rule.
1999 - Upon election, decrees that all opposition parties will be outlawed unless they agree to party "like it's 1999."
2000 - Accidentally says something completely insane in an interview, decides he likes the way it feels.
2001 - Develops a deep and abiding animosity toward George W. Bush over a particularly heated game of Monopoly.
2003 - Citing artistic differences, leaves his role as a judge on Venezuelan Idol.
2005 - Admits he doesn't entirely understand socialism.
2006 - Beginning his third term, President Chavez takes the oath of office while making air quotes.
2009 - On George W. Bush's last day in office, succeeds in leaving a flaming bag of dog poop at the South Portico of the White House.
2012 - Refuses to enact strict voter ID laws to suppress opposition voting because, in his words, "what am I, an asshole?"
And that's the end! What will the next 13 years bring? Here's hoping they bring nothing.
Chavez sucks.
1999 - Upon election, decrees that all opposition parties will be outlawed unless they agree to party "like it's 1999."
2000 - Accidentally says something completely insane in an interview, decides he likes the way it feels.
2001 - Develops a deep and abiding animosity toward George W. Bush over a particularly heated game of Monopoly.
2003 - Citing artistic differences, leaves his role as a judge on Venezuelan Idol.
2005 - Admits he doesn't entirely understand socialism.
2006 - Beginning his third term, President Chavez takes the oath of office while making air quotes.
2009 - On George W. Bush's last day in office, succeeds in leaving a flaming bag of dog poop at the South Portico of the White House.
2012 - Refuses to enact strict voter ID laws to suppress opposition voting because, in his words, "what am I, an asshole?"
And that's the end! What will the next 13 years bring? Here's hoping they bring nothing.
Chavez sucks.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012
Love it or leave it. Please love it!
Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.
Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?
Hey, remember Syria?
The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.
Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?
Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.
Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.
Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.
Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.
A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.
Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.
And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.
That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!
Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.
Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?
Hey, remember Syria?
The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.
Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?
Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.
Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.
Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.
Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.
A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.
Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.
And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.
That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 27, 2012
Did anyone else watch the Oscars on Twitter last night? I wonder if anything else happened. Oh, wait, this stuff happened. And I wrote some jokes about it.
At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.
The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.
Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.
At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.
Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).
Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.
Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.
And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.
That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!
At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.
The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.
Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.
At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.
Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).
Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.
Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.
And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.
That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 13, 2012
Crap. The Grammy's were on last night, and once again, like every year, I totally forgot to give a shit. I'm sure someone will tell me who won, and I'm fairly sure that, once again this week, it wasn't Tom Brady.
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2011
This is Tuesday. Are you ready for it? Sure hope so, because you're hip deep in it now. But as a reward, you get some jokes.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 4, 2011
Great. Let's do this.
Big drug news in the U.K. this week, as authorities intercepted a yacht with over a ton of cocaine on board. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen said "Wait, was it white with blue pinstripes?! Oh, shit. This weekend is gonna suck now."
Meanwhile, political reforms continue in Cuba, as a new law passed allowing Cubans to purchase homes. Now, if only there was a law that allowed them to have some money.
A recent story about the deficient IQs of web-surfers who use Microsoft Internet Explorer story was a hoax meant to ridicule people for using the outdated browser. Fortunately, most IE users are too dumb to know it.
Congress adjourned for the summer, leaving the Federal Aviation Administration unfunded and unable to effectively manage American air travel. Apparently everyone in Congress will be driving home this summer.
Back to the Internet, Missouri recently passed a law banning teachers from communicating with their students over Facebook, much to the disappointment of that one math teacher you had. You know who I'm talking about.
In international police news, a worldwide child pornography ring was shut down this week, and over 70 people were arrested, much to the disappointment of that one... yeah, you know.
In crazy dictator news, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez shaved his head this week, calling it his "new look." He then went on to add, "and the curtains match the carpet, ladies."
And lastly, in other crazy dictator news, Iranian "leader" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in an interview this week, "When we say we don't want to build an atomic bomb it means we really do not want to build an atomic bomb," adding "WINK!"
That's it for me this week! I'll see you Monday, and Spencer will be here tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Big drug news in the U.K. this week, as authorities intercepted a yacht with over a ton of cocaine on board. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen said "Wait, was it white with blue pinstripes?! Oh, shit. This weekend is gonna suck now."
Meanwhile, political reforms continue in Cuba, as a new law passed allowing Cubans to purchase homes. Now, if only there was a law that allowed them to have some money.
A recent story about the deficient IQs of web-surfers who use Microsoft Internet Explorer story was a hoax meant to ridicule people for using the outdated browser. Fortunately, most IE users are too dumb to know it.
Congress adjourned for the summer, leaving the Federal Aviation Administration unfunded and unable to effectively manage American air travel. Apparently everyone in Congress will be driving home this summer.
Back to the Internet, Missouri recently passed a law banning teachers from communicating with their students over Facebook, much to the disappointment of that one math teacher you had. You know who I'm talking about.
In international police news, a worldwide child pornography ring was shut down this week, and over 70 people were arrested, much to the disappointment of that one... yeah, you know.
In crazy dictator news, Venezuela's Hugo Chavez shaved his head this week, calling it his "new look." He then went on to add, "and the curtains match the carpet, ladies."
And lastly, in other crazy dictator news, Iranian "leader" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in an interview this week, "When we say we don't want to build an atomic bomb it means we really do not want to build an atomic bomb," adding "WINK!"
That's it for me this week! I'll see you Monday, and Spencer will be here tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 26, 2011
Yay! Keep it up! Let's get through this week! Oh, I forget sometimes how difficult it is to convey bitter, detached irony through text. Boo, hoo. Enjoy some jokes!
In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.
In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.
In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.
Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.
In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?
In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!
Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...
And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.
That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?
Till then, have a great day!
In royal news, Prince William gave an old pair of Princess Diana's earrings to Kate Middleton, who already wears Princess Diana's engagement ring. Along with the earrings, William also sent Kate a bottle of peroxide and a copy of Vertigo. Good flick.
In opera news, an Israeli orchestra is set to perform one of Hitler's favorite pieces, by Wagner, in Germany. It's quite possibly the most punk rock moment in operatic history.
In political news, the Syrian government announced that it will allow political parties, but they're still undecided on whether or not to allow political candidates.
Speaking of political candidates, Hugo Chavez will be running for re-election in 2012, because of course he will. However, he's expected to face a tough primary challenge from his tumor.
In Korea, a woman protesting job losses has now spent 200 days on top of a crane at a prominent shipping company. Just like a woman, right fellas?
In other industrial horror news, the formerly-trapped Chilean miners from Chile have reached an agreement on a movie deal based upon their lives and their harrowing time spent trapped for weeks in total darkness by a collapse at the mine. The movie is tentatively called Don't Be a Miner!
Police in New York busted a prostitution ring worth $7million. What tipped them off? Probably all those bags of ten dollar bills stuck together. That's why you've gotta launder your money...
And finally, Chinese law enforcement has been hard at work recently shutting down fake Apple Stores selling counterfeit Apple products. How do they know the products are fake? They weren't made in China.
That's it. Come back tomorrow, and maybe there will be a debt-ceiling joke. Maybe?
Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 18, 2011
Monday. Hmm. That's bad news for people who enjoy the weekend. Oh well. Let's see what we can do about it.
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
Here's something good. There was bad news for dictators this weekend, as former tyrant Hosni Mubarak suffered a stroke and/or coma while ex-Uruguayan dictator Bordaberry actually died. You know, these things normally happen in threes, so look out, Gadhaffi and Chavez! Which will it be? Bombs or tumors? Either way, the rest of us win.
In a related story, Colonel Gadhaffi said this weekend that he will never leave Libya. That could have something to do with the fact that no other country will let him in.
In London, former NewsCorp executive Rebekah Brooks just got arrested in connection with the News of the World phone hacking scandal. It's too bad News of the World folded, because this is the sort of story they live for. Also, they were handy to have around in case you ever forgot your PIN.
In Germany, organizers of the Quadriga Role Model award for human rights scrapped plans to award the prize to Vladimir Putin when it was revealed that he was, in fact, Vladimir Putin and not a great role model for encouraging human rights. See, it's a very fine distinction there. In Moscow, a steely-eyed Putin stared off into the western sky and ordered his assistant to procure more radioactive Polonium.
In Colorado, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman started a bar fight because of course he did. He's probably just pissed that he'll never get the chance to battle Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.
Jane Fonda is back in the news, claiming that QVC has bumped her from their channel because of her history of political activism. The network said it was a routine programming change, adding "you really think we're in the business of booting people over politics? That would imply we have some sort of standards. Wanna buy a porcelain clown lipstick cozy?"
In cinema news, the Sarah Palin documentary opened in "wide" release this week. So far theaters have been mostly empty, much like the minds of the people who are actually in the audience. However, it is an instance where the film is better than the book. Also, it's pretty ballsy of them to go up against Harry Potter. Not a smart move.
And lastly, singers Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are ending their marriage after seven years. The sad news has many people saying "oh yeah, Marc Anthony. I'd totally forgotten about him."
That's it! Not a single steroid joke today, although there might be one tomorrow. So come back and find out!
And until then, have a great day!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2011
Back to work, everybody. That includes you, Steve. And it includes me. Here are some more jokes.
In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.
In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.
In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.
In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?
In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.
In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!
The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.
Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.
Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!
In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.
In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.
In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.
In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?
In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.
In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!
The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.
Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.
Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 4, 2011
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I hope you've got the day off, just like our founders wanted. While you enjoy your day, here's some jokes!
Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.
In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.
Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.
Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.
In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.
In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"
And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!
Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.
In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.
Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.
Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.
In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.
In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.
In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"
And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!
Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 23, 2011
Welcome, everyone! Thanks for visiting the blog, it's great to have you here. We've got a pretty good post for you today, with timely jokes and such. Let's get to it!
Sharon Angle has a new book coming out. Wait, that's not the ridiculous part. The title is The Right Angle, which is actually a pretty appropriate encapsulation of Sharon Angle: it sounds like an okay idea at first, but the more you think about it, the more you realize Sharon Angle is a moron.
Speaking of morons, on Good Morning America yesterday, Zen master and musician Chris Brown went nuts back stage after Robin Roberts asked him questions about his famed "disagreement" with Rihanna in 2009. He broke a window, smashed furniture and left the studio, shirtless of course, without performing his second song as scheduled. Thank goodness he's got his anger issues taken care of, or that could have really gotten ugly. Oh, and nobody tell him that Taco Bell is raising their prices!
Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez suggested in a recent interview that capitalism may have killed off ancient life on Mars. He then blamed capitalism when he stood up and banged his funny bone on the chair.
In Edgewater, Florida, parents of grade school children are protesting the special measures required at the school to protect a first grade student with life-threatening peanut allergies. Said one parent, "I don't care what they have to do, home school, move or whatever, but I will be DAMNED if my kids don't get to eat the same crappy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I did! This is America, and we eat peanuts!"
In Monticello, New York, a man showed up for his DWI hearing 90 minutes late, drunk, and with 4 unopened beers in his bag. He was jailed on one count of being incredibly sad.
Speaking of booze, a South African man is facing trial after allegedly pouring his whiskey drink on President Zuma. He's also been offered a reality show on Bravo.
Groupon COO Rob Solomon announced he will be stepping down from the company. Must have gotten a better offer.
And finally, Howard Stern is suing his employer, SIRIUS Satellite Radio, for not giving him the stock options he was promised in his contract. This marks the first time in years that anyone has shown any interest in getting SIRIUS stock.
And that's it for today! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed your time with us. Tell your friends, use the mighty share buttons if you feel like it, and come back for more tomorrow!
Sharon Angle has a new book coming out. Wait, that's not the ridiculous part. The title is The Right Angle, which is actually a pretty appropriate encapsulation of Sharon Angle: it sounds like an okay idea at first, but the more you think about it, the more you realize Sharon Angle is a moron.
Speaking of morons, on Good Morning America yesterday, Zen master and musician Chris Brown went nuts back stage after Robin Roberts asked him questions about his famed "disagreement" with Rihanna in 2009. He broke a window, smashed furniture and left the studio, shirtless of course, without performing his second song as scheduled. Thank goodness he's got his anger issues taken care of, or that could have really gotten ugly. Oh, and nobody tell him that Taco Bell is raising their prices!
Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez suggested in a recent interview that capitalism may have killed off ancient life on Mars. He then blamed capitalism when he stood up and banged his funny bone on the chair.
In Edgewater, Florida, parents of grade school children are protesting the special measures required at the school to protect a first grade student with life-threatening peanut allergies. Said one parent, "I don't care what they have to do, home school, move or whatever, but I will be DAMNED if my kids don't get to eat the same crappy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I did! This is America, and we eat peanuts!"
In Monticello, New York, a man showed up for his DWI hearing 90 minutes late, drunk, and with 4 unopened beers in his bag. He was jailed on one count of being incredibly sad.
Speaking of booze, a South African man is facing trial after allegedly pouring his whiskey drink on President Zuma. He's also been offered a reality show on Bravo.
Groupon COO Rob Solomon announced he will be stepping down from the company. Must have gotten a better offer.
And finally, Howard Stern is suing his employer, SIRIUS Satellite Radio, for not giving him the stock options he was promised in his contract. This marks the first time in years that anyone has shown any interest in getting SIRIUS stock.
And that's it for today! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed your time with us. Tell your friends, use the mighty share buttons if you feel like it, and come back for more tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 30, 2010
Alright, let's get to it.
A recent poll revealed that 20% of Americans want the government to regulate the Internet in the same way that the FCC regulates broadcast television. Coincidentally, that's the same percentage of Americans who want those damn kids to stay off their lawn.
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