This is Tuesday. Are you ready for it? Sure hope so, because you're hip deep in it now. But as a reward, you get some jokes.
In the midst of a messy divorce, LA Dodgers co-owner Frank McCourt got full ownership of the team this week. Man, just when you think things can't get worse for a guy...
Also in LA, someone stole a bunch of handguns and submachine guns from an LAPD SWAT training site. Police are on the lookout for criminals having trouble walking due to their freakishly huge balls.
In other medical oddities, rumors are flying in Venezuela that Hugo Chavez has only two years to live. But then again, he's always had trouble with term limits.
What about the GOP presidential race? It turns out that Herman Cain's tax plan is actually the default setting from the computer game SimCity. Also, Cain revealed this week that he thinks America doesn't have enough Power Pellets to deal with all the ghosts that keep chasing us around town.
In fast-food news, McDonald's announced plans to launch an in-store television channel. Next up: in-store underfunded education. It's all part of their new "Watch Us Destroy America" campaign.
Blackberry offered free applications to users to make up for last week's outage. Those apps will come in handy the next time their network goes down, too.
At a recent awards reception, actor Robert Downey Jr. plead for Hollywood to forgive Mel Gibson and let him make his art. This can only mean one thing: Robert Downey Jr. is planning a relapse.
And finally, Sonic Youth co-founders Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon announced they are getting divorced, because even they can't stand to listen to themselves. In a statement, Moore and Gordon said of the divorce, "our fans may not understand it now, but hopefully in a few years someone really cool that they know will say what a good divorce it was, and you'll give it another chance."
Okay, that's it. Let's do this again tomorrow, okay? Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEB! Hope your day is awesome, big brother.
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