Guess what? I have today off, because it's Columbus Day. As such, I thought it only fair that we examine this historical enigma. So, here's the eight things you should know about Christopher Columbus.
* There's a new television series in the works based upon the life of Christopher Columbus. He's a detective who gets hired to solve one crime, then ends up stumbling into another one without realizing it, and then kills a bunch of people on a tropical island.
* Columbus' name has graced cities, countries, and schools of all types, but never a fully-sanctioned professional wrestler with the WWE. What's up with that?
* If Columbus were alive today, he would be incredibly old.
* Even in Columbus' day, people who believed the earth was flat were considered very, very stupid.
* On his first trip to the New World, Columbus sailed with three ships, because he rolled deep.
* No verified portraits of Christopher Columbus exist, presumably because he was just too damn ugly to paint.
* Were it not for Columbus, the capital of Ohio might well have been Leif Ericsonville. Also, there would probably be a lot more indigenous people living in North America.
* Christopher Columbus never reached Asia, a fact for which asians must be extremely grateful.
Okay, that's all for now. Let's all go read some Howard Zinn and think about Thanksgiving. I'll be back tomorrow with jokes about stuff that's happened more recently than 1500 AD. Till then, have a great day!
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