Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 3, 2013

Word came out that the NSA has been spying on Brazil, and boy have they got their panties in a wad over this. Or, they would if they wore any panties.

London police have arrested two men on suspicion of passing off horsemeat as beef. But the case is largely based on bullshit that turned out to be horseshit.

Building on strikes for a living wage in New York, fast food workers are planning additional strikes in other cities. If nothing else, it seems they've learned the importance of franchising.

Dennis Rodman is back in Pyongyang, because apparently Kim Jong Un realized that he looks more sane with The Worm standing next to him.

Ford Motors just recalled 370,000 cars over faulty protections for the steering system. One thing they can't recall: a time in recent memory when their cars didn't suc.

President Obama called on Congress to authorize military action against Syria over their use of Sarin gas. There is also a small addendum, seeking sanctions against Walter White.

The Lava Lamp just turned 50 years old, meaning that the Lava Lamp is now old enough to consider itself a waste of money.

And finally, swimmer Diana Nyad successfully swam from Florida to Cuba, because she likes to taunt Cuban political prisoners.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 22,2013

After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.

Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.

A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.

A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.

In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.

At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.

And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...

And that's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012

Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.

A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.

Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.

This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"

Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!

NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.

In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.

Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.

And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...

• If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
• If billionaires quit giving him money.
• If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
• If he came to his senses.

Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 18, 2011

Have you been waiting for Wednesday? Well, this one is a firecracker of a day! I hope you enjoy it, yes I do. Oh, let's forget about it. If you're a Lisa Loeb fan, then the previous three sentences may have been mildly amusing to you. To the rest of you, I'm so sorry. Truthfully. But seriously, check out Firecracker, it's a wonderful album. Do this, I say. You'll love it in a split second. I'm no good at banter, it turns out. But at least I'm not talking about my amazing underpants anymore. Oops. Alright, enjoy these jokes.

You remember Happy Meals, right? They used to sell them and include a little toy for you to play with until you pass out from all the "nutrients" in the meal you just ate, remember? Well, you can't do that anymore in Florida. It's been outlawed! But lobbyists for the restaurant industry are fighting the ban and trying to find loopholes in the law so they can continue to entice children to eat their crappy food in order to get a toy. Not once, apparently, has it occurred to them that it might be easier to JUST SELL THE  DAMN TOYS! They must be really committed to poorly-cooked hamburgers. Maybe it's a union thing.

In China, on the other hand, and side of the world, watermelon farmers are having a rough spring this year, as their crops keep exploding. Yes. Exploding watermelons. It's due to a growth hormone, apparently, and it's awful news for Gallagher. But thank goodness it wasn't happening on dairy farms, or this would be a much darker joke.

Speaking of juicy, explosive stories (you like what I did there?), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger confirmed yesterday that he secretly fathered a child with a member of his staff ten years ago. How embarrassed must he have been to keep this a secret for so long? I mean, after all, this is a guy who actively and proudly promoted the film Junior. I kinda thought he had no shame.

Also lacking in shame, the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have ruined a perfectly good Internet meme by turning their colossal turd of a musical into a "good" show. And all they had to do was fire the entire team behind the musical and bring in new leadership. Is it too much to hope that Al Qaeda could... no, I think one miracle per generation is all we can hope for. So go see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark today! Well, at least the name is still stupid. We can make fun of them for that.

Elsewhere in America, there was good news for American criminals, as FOX announced it has canceled America's Most Wanted after what seems like 600 years on television. Now if rapists, murderers and other miscreants want to get on television, they'll have to audition for X-Factor, just like everyone else. There's no shortcuts to fame, I guess.

In other legal news, the Recording Industry Association of America reached a settlement in its lawsuit against the music "sharing" service Limewire. Under the agreement, record labels will split a payout of $105 million... and artists will get exactly zero dollars. That's fair, right? Well, looks like the music industry is right back where it's supposed to be!

In New York, the taxi fleet is getting classed up. No, we're not going to see cabbies in tuxedos, although that would be awesome. No, a number of new Lexus Hybrids are entering service, so now you can feel classy and environmentally-conscious when you vomit in the back of a cab at 3:00 am.

And finally, in celebrity news, actor and case study Tracy Morgan is apparently back with his old flame, and kidney donor, Tanisha Hall. Tracy made news previously when he, ahem, dumped her after she gave him one of her kidneys. Well, they've reconciled, it seems, which can only mean one thing: looks like someone's relapsing! Heaven forbid.

And I'm all out of jokes. There will be more tomorrow. You should let your friends know, because people like to be included in things. Especially things that are cool. Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a chuckle or eight.

Have a great day!