Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012

In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.

In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.

Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.

In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.

The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.

In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.

In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.

And that's the end.

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011

Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.

So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
 

Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
 

Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
 

This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
 

Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
 

At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
 

Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
 

And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
 

A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!