Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Showing posts with label bank of america. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bank of america. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2011
Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! Come on, let's get the energy up! Oh, screw it. Enjoy these jokes. I'm going to go drink some Vitamin Water and try to shake off the weekend. Okay.
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011
Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
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